So, what do you think about p*rn? I don't really mean in the moral sense (i.e. it is a sin & should never be viewed/participated in/etc.), I mean in the realistic sense of it's everywhere & odds are someone you know is looking at it...or maybe you are. And doesn't everyone have a sex tape?
My feelings on it have vacillated over the years. In some relationships, I didn't care. In others I was just oblivious. The relationships I cared most about? Are the ones in which it bothered me. And in this relationship...I care. A lot.
I'm going to hang it all out here...& I may risk TMI...so if you're sensitive to that kind of thing...Well, thanks for stopping by. I'll try to make my next post funny. Or something.
And for the rest of you? This isn't going to be an x-rated post. Just honest feelings...and some insecurities.
Ok. Still here?
Hello? (crickets chirping)
So, my general thoughts here are that I don't have a moral issue with p*rn...provided that everyone is a consenting adult....and it doesn't replace a partner when a relationship exists. I do think for some people, it can be a problem. Many people can drink alcohol with no problem...but there are those who just can't drink at all without it turning into a problem. I believe p*rn is much the same way.
It's not really my thing. I'd rather be having than looking.
However, I am a female & my understanding is that we are not as visually driven as men. Apparently? Looking is a big deal to guys.
So here is where my problem comes in. After the 80 pounds of baby weight? I don't feel so sexy. Hub says I'm sexy...but, really, what is he going to say? I realize there are douche bags out there who would say "EW! You're fat. Get away!" But he is not a douche bag. I also know that he likely would not be with me if I repelled him.
But I don't think people would be downloading me from the internet.
Honestly? I'm threatened by those downloadable people. Even though they are "real" people (& not the plasticky pay-for kind) - I'm still threatened by them. I don't want to be compared to people that are 80 pounds thinner than me. I don't want my husband to realize "you know, she is pretty chubby..."
I don't want to be threatened by that. Hotter people do exist, even the real kind that you don't download. They have the nerve to have jobs; frequent retail & food establishments; and even just walk around in public.
And I don't want to be threatened by them. Or feel bad about myself because of them.
I know, on some level, that this starts with me. That it is an insecurity of mine. I miss my thinner body...but even then? I still didn't feel particularly sexy. Even at 120 pounds - which is still 20 pounds too fat for a model, but made me look like I was all bobble-head and collar bones - I was still threatened by other hotness.
But what do I do about that?
I can't expect Hub to be blind to every other woman but me. As long as he isn't a douche bag about noticing and he doesn't touch them, I shouldn't be threatened.
But I am. And I feel bad about that. Because when I feel threatened? He feels like a douche bag. And I don't like that.
It seems like I'm being unfair. Logically, I understand this. He married me. We have an active "intimate" life. Logically, I understand that I have nothing to worry about.
But my feelings? Are another story. My feelings are rooted in deep mistrust of men and personal insecurity.
And I'm still threatened.
My feelings have always been troublemakers. I don't want Hub to feel like a douche bag. But until I can learn to not be threatened by other people's hotness, real or virtual? He will continue to feel that way. And I feel really bad about that.