Friday, July 23, 2010

When Logic & Feelings Collide

So, what do you think about p*rn? I don't really mean in the moral sense (i.e. it is a sin & should never be viewed/participated in/etc.), I mean in the realistic sense of it's everywhere & odds are someone you know is looking at it...or maybe you are. And doesn't everyone have a sex tape?

My feelings on it have vacillated over the years. In some relationships, I didn't care. In others I was just oblivious. The relationships I cared most about? Are the ones in which it bothered me. And in this relationship...I care. A lot.

I'm going to hang it all out here...& I may risk if you're sensitive to that kind of thing...Well, thanks for stopping by. I'll try to make my next post funny. Or something.


And for the rest of you? This isn't going to be an x-rated post. Just honest feelings...and some insecurities.


Ok. Still here?


Hello? (crickets chirping)

Oh, well.

So, my general thoughts here are that I don't have a moral issue with p*rn...provided that everyone is a consenting adult....and it doesn't replace a partner when a relationship exists. I do think for some people, it can be a problem. Many people can drink alcohol with no problem...but there are those who just can't drink at all without it turning into a problem. I believe p*rn is much the same way.

It's not really my thing. I'd rather be having than looking.

However, I am a female & my understanding is that we are not as visually driven as men. Apparently? Looking is a big deal to guys.

So here is where my problem comes in. After the 80 pounds of baby weight? I don't feel so sexy. Hub says I'm sexy...but, really, what is he going to say? I realize there are douche bags out there who would say "EW! You're fat. Get away!" But he is not a douche bag. I also know that he likely would not be with me if I repelled him.

But I don't think people would be downloading me from the internet.

Honestly? I'm threatened by those downloadable people. Even though they are "real" people (& not the plasticky pay-for kind) - I'm still threatened by them. I don't want to be compared to people that are 80 pounds thinner than me. I don't want my husband to realize "you know, she is pretty chubby..."

I don't want to be threatened by that. Hotter people do exist, even the real kind that you don't download. They have the nerve to have jobs; frequent retail & food establishments; and even just walk around in public.

And I don't want to be threatened by them. Or feel bad about myself because of them.

I know, on some level, that this starts with me. That it is an insecurity of mine. I miss my thinner body...but even then? I still didn't feel particularly sexy. Even at 120 pounds - which is still 20 pounds too fat for a model, but made me look like I was all bobble-head and collar bones - I was still threatened by other hotness.

But what do I do about that?

I can't expect Hub to be blind to every other woman but me. As long as he isn't a douche bag about noticing and he doesn't touch them, I shouldn't be threatened.

But I am. And I feel bad about that. Because when I feel threatened? He feels like a douche bag. And I don't like that.

It seems like I'm being unfair. Logically, I understand this. He married me. We have an active "intimate" life. Logically, I understand that I have nothing to worry about.

But my feelings? Are another story. My feelings are rooted in deep mistrust of men and personal insecurity.

And I'm still threatened.

My feelings have always been troublemakers. I don't want Hub to feel like a douche bag. But until I can learn to not be threatened by other people's hotness, real or virtual? He will continue to feel that way. And I feel really bad about that.


  1. Hmmm. This is really interesting. My first reaction is to get out there and excercise. Firm up. But I know you are working on it.
    We can't expect our husbands, or ourselves, to not be attracted to others. But we need to trust them not to act on it. Just trust.
    That said I told Ken he has to wear his wedding ring everyday when he starts school in the fall.

  2. I think your general approach to hmmm...let's say "pork" so as to avoid excessive asterisk use and still thwart unsavory search engine peoples..."pork" is wise. It's a thing, it's out there, lots of people enjoy it, and as long as it's not being abused or used as a substitute to a healthy relationship, then well...I've got no hang-ups there.

    And I have been with any number of doting men who still got a thrill from the racy graphic stuff. No bigs for me.

    As long as the doting was there.

    Even when I was quite heavy (sometimes just cause I was lazy and munch-prone, once cause I had 50+ pounds to lose post-baby), as long as the doting I felt I was entitled to was there, I didn't let a little skin-mag/website/flick bother me.

    Focus on the doting, sweet thing. Hubs loves you, will be attracted to the wife he loves and the mom of his pride and joy for as long as you celebrate him as the thing that shakes your tree.

    And when you can wrap yourself in that love, even around the inches you are not happy with right now, you can tell the nagging insecure voices to shut the hell up.

    Large or small you are hot stuff worth crazy-love.

    And she who has crazy-love can evict the nagging insecure voices.


  3. Personally, I just don't understand porn. I mean, I understand it, but I don't understand what makes it so appealing, since it's anti-appealing to me. My husband feels much the same way, so I'm not really sure how I'd react if he were into it.

  4. interesting. I never had a problem with it until I had the baby. It's odd because my husband gets playboy. And he keeps them. The sheer volume of them is overwhelming.

  5. all through my dating life, i've resented porn. much like you, it doesn't bother me that consenting adults engage in the activity; it's more or less that i wish my boyfriend didn't want to watch it. i don't tell him not to and sometimes we watch it together (which strangely doesn't bother me) but when i think of him alone watching it, it makes my stomach turn. i'm not so much threatened by the woman on the videos, but rather i wish he'd wait until we were together to "release," as i do. but i agree this is just a major insecurity -- i want to be in control and the sole source of his turn-ons. but that can't happen, so i try to keep it in check. i often wonder how he'd react if he knew i thought this stuff!

  6. I enjoy porn occasionally. No tapes of me, thank you very much. But a video? A book? A magazine? Yes, please! It adds to my relationship with my husband.

    I am never threatened by these others. They are not people in my life. They are images of arousal, no more real than characters on television shows we watch in which all the clothes stay on.

    I am 44. I have a 44 year old body. I am way more than fine with that. That self acceptance?

    Is probably key.

    Because if I actually compared myself physically to the women in the porn? I would lose. And that? Would be the opposite of sexy.

    No point in that. Instead? I win. Because I have this life and this family and this man.

    Plus a little porn.


  7. I feel much the same way - threatened by the 'hotness' or 'perfection'. I used to be thinner but even then, I never looked like one of those girls, and yes, I may be insecure, but those are my feelings - and I think everyone has a right to their feeligns, whether other people agree or even understand. That being said I also have a moral issue against porn, but that's a different matter entirely.

  8. I don't think that there is a woman out there that isn't threatened by the Photoshopped, glossy world of Playboy, Maxim, Cosmo, etc. And once the pictures start moving, it must an amazing turn on to guys, but one that I have never understood or appreciated.

    I can, however, appreciate a woman's body at any size and if your partner really loves you, then he does too.

    When it comes to porn, I have always thought: if I am willing and able and HERE to do the (some of the) same things that my husband likes to watch others doing, then why not turn to me instead of the Internet or a skin flick (for the record, I don't even know if he watches that stuff, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did)?

    I think the entire porn industry is completely degrading to women, but on the other hand, I appreciate the fact that many women turn to it as a means to an end. To get through school or because they have more than one hungry mouth to feed. It is the oldest profession out there after all.

    It's hard to be bombarded with images of gorgeous, slender woman with perfect hair and perfect teeth while you are trying to better yourself, but try to block it out and focus on yourself and how beautiful you are, your man and your relationship.