Friday, July 16, 2010

I've had enough now

So, I got pregnant in 2005. I got ditched by his father (best thing he could've done for his son). But, I was unprepared to have a baby. I was broke. So? I did what responsible people do...I got a 2nd job to save up money. Being pregnant & working 2 jobs? Sucked. But, I can honestly say that Starbucks was the least horrible food-related job I've ever had.

Anyway, because of all this, I had zero time to take care of myself. I got home from Starbucks late every night & I had a corporate job to go to in the morning. I didn't sleep enough, I didn't exercise, and I didn't have time to cook. This equals picking up food in the "food court" near the Starbucks. Which in turn equaled too much weight gain.

I started out at 5'8" & 145 lbs (I'm built curvy, so I looked *good* at this weight). When I delivered? Still 5'8", but 220 lbs. I had a naggy OBGYN who continually chastised me for gaining so much weight. Which just made me feel worse.

(ADD moment - why do doctors always do this? Like I don't know I'm overweight? It's like telling smokers that smoking is bad for them. Um, duh. I don't need a mommy/daddy figure nagging me to lose weight. Shut up. Moving on...)

That was the biggest I had ever been. I was not happy about it, but I was distracted with other parenthood. I lost about 30lbs while I was breastfeeding, but when he weaned himself at 9 months and we started the "cross-country move" process, about 10-15 of those pounds came back. I now sit at 200 even. And I am freaking the hell out.

But why? I know women who solidly outweigh me that think, no, they know they are fucking hot. So. I need an attitude adjustment. And some lifestyle change.

I have tried several times to lose more of the baby weight. The last time I tried? I managed about 2 months of solid exercise & eating better. No weight lost. Zero. Then came the morning I woke up & my knee wouldn't straighten. That lasted 2 weeks & required an orthopedist to fix.

(ADD moment #2/PSA moment #1 - when the doctor asks the nurse to come hold your hand while he injects the numbing agent into your joint? This means the experience will be highly unpleasant. Adding fluid to joints feels yucky.)

After that, I was really depressed. Partly because I'd lost my routine (which is critical for me to do anything) but mostly because I'd put SO much effort into losing weight and saw nothing for it. No weight loss. No improved wardrobe fit. Nada. And as an added bonus, I got a rather unpleasant couple of weeks of no walking plus the fear of doing the whole knee experience again.

Now, I miss my knees working without hurting. I miss the weeks or even months between the spasm attacks my back wages on me. I'm tired of seeing flabby thighs and the belly that was never there before and the back fat. God I hate back fat.

I am making some lifestyle changes. I'm starting with an attitude adjustment. No more looking at myself & telling myself I hate me. No more hating my body. Changing my body requires that I take care of it, not hate it.

I'm also going to make some different choices, with eating & with exercise. I would love to join the Running Between Tweets group, but I've never run before & when I tried to start? I woke up with a knee that wouldn't straighten for two weeks.

So, I'm going to start slow. Just going to add a little activity & some more careful food choices.

But? I'm terrified that I'm going to end up where I have so many times before - injured & still 200lbs.


  1. I've joined running between tweets too. Get some serious good shoes. Spend the money and get the best ones you can afford. The running is not nearly as bad as I thought would be, and I HATE running. Start walking for a few weeks if you are worried about overdoing it.
    I'm not sure about what to say about your previous unsuccess, but I'd encourage you to keep going. I've been swimming for 8 months and I suck. Finally last night I got better. Sometimes I think the plateau is bigger than we'd like.
    And good work with the attitude adjustment!!
    p.s. I gained 70lbs with both my pregnancies eating yoghurt, turkey sandwiches and carrots. Sometimes the weight just comes!

  2. Oh, I know that place...

    I had 50 pounds to lose after my son was born. I did it, but it took a year and a half. And all it takes is 4-5 months of being lazy, and 16-18 pounds right back on.

    It's exhausting.

    Two years ago I decided to do a mini-triathlon, which meant a kind of workout I'd never done. And I was afraid for me knees, since I major whacked one out putting in a damned floor.

    But I read something it a runner's book that helped me a lot. It said, "Everyone think they have bad knees. Only a few people really do. People start too fast, *injure* their knees, then are convinced that the bad knee is the reason they run so poorly, and don't realize that running poorly was what gave them a bad knee." (I totally paraphrased.)

    Now I had a real knee problem (bursitis) and it sound like you do too. BUT, taking it slow and steady (which I'm NOT good with, BTW) starting with walk-three-laps, jog-one-lap, I was able to work my way up to jogging 3.5 miles continuously (took several months to get there.)

    Which was a really really long way of saying: yes, start very slow. But I bet you'll be able to get there.

    'Cause you're amazing!

    -Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points

  3. I loved the ADD moments the best!

    If you had told me three years ago that I would run in a half marathon, I would have laughed in your face, but I did it and it was very rewarding.

    I have always loved walking and one day, I just started running... a very LITTLE bit at a time and before I knew it, I was running more than I was walking and it felt great.

    So, as lame as it sounds, you just put one foot in front of the other. Baby steps until you are more comfortable. A 15 minute walk will soon turn into 30 minutes and 30 minutes will turn into 45, etc.

    I don't run very much any more, but I walk at least 3 miles every day and that helps my psyche immensely. I screw around with the speed and incline if I'm on a treadmill, but outside, there is so much to see or show my son and the fresh air is great and I always ALWAYS feel better after having done it.

    Be patient with yourself and make it a priority and I PROMISE, you'll be glad you did. All the best of luck to you.