Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I will not sink

I stared at those two lines for a long time. Watching as they began to wobble and blur with the trembling of my hand and the welling of my tears.

The meaning of those parallel little pink lines washed over me like a flood.

My life was going to change in a way I had all but decided I never wanted. I was no longer walking the road I thought I was. The landscape was not what I thought it was.

The nights of numbing escape from my past? The nights of drinking with that handsome coworker? Had yielded unexpected consequences.

As I sat there, stomach knotted with fear, reality began to warp in my mind. My perspective began to bend and twist in response to this new information.

Decisions began to take shape before I consciously realized they needed to be made.

The creepy stalker ex? Twisted into more than an annoyance. Now, he was a threat to my family.

The blurry carefree nights of stress numbing? Melted into a dangerous health hazard.

My 1-bedroom apartment suddenly shrunk and filled itself with pointy, toxic choking hazards.

My income was now squeezed into inadequacy, failing to stretch itself to the new boundaries soon to be required of it.

A list began to materialize in my mind. My doctor must be called. Prenatal vitamins must be purchased. The handsome coworker must be informed. The income must be stretched, expanded, or perhaps even supplemented. The stalker must be eradicated.

I knew there were other things, but I allowed those to remain fuzzy at the outside edges of my thoughts.

This whole baby thing? Was completely alien to me. I was an only child with no experience with children. There was so much I didn't know. The immensity of it all threatened to suffocate me with its weight.

As it happens so often in my life, I had been shoved into the deep end. Without warning and without the knowledge I needed to swim.

But as it happens so often in my life, I would refuse to sink. There might be splashing, flailing, coughing, and spitting. It might be ugly at times. But I would not sink.

Even as I watched those lines tremble, I knew I would not sink.

Assignment: When meeting someone for the first time, describing a scene from your life that would help show the person your true self.


  1. "My perspective began to bend and twist in response to this new information." I like the imagery that provokes. Well done! I can imagine you sitting there with the pregnancy test in your hand , just staring at it, while the world warps around you. I'm glad you didn't sink!

  2. I love the way you play with your words, and let them say more than you do:

    "The blurry carefree nights of stress numbing? Melted into a dangerous health hazard."

  3. This was beautiful and even though I'm sure the shock has worn off, I guarantee, you will NOT sink.

  4. I think that says something powerful about you. Your strength even in the face of something so terrifying is inspiring. Incredibly well written. Thank you for sharing this.

  5. Oh wow... so awesome. I remember the early onset of panic and what ifs and hows that come with those two little lines, especially the first time.

    Also? This line was amazing! "My 1-bedroom apartment suddenly shrunk and filled itself with pointy, toxic choking hazards."

  6. Great story of strength and determination in the moments realization. I love how you never use the words of what is going on and yet, you've completely shown us through your words strung together. :>

  7. powerful determination in the face of great responsibility. What a look at your character. Thank you for sharing this about yourself, and for your sweet words on my post too. I agree with Danelle's amazing line quote too!

  8. Oh, fabulous. Visiting from TRDC and now want to know more about your story, so this piece did the job it was supposed to!

    Love your description of your thought process.

  9. WOW. You are awesome. This was awesome. Seriously, amazing. I just randomly chose a thumbnail to click on at TRDC and it was YOU.

    I'm so glad. You have a new follower.

  10. What were you so worried about? You gave us a scene, you took us with you, made us feel your turmoil - really well done! I hope you'll continue linking up with us!!

  11. Great piece! I especially liked the last paragraph. It speaks volumes about your strength of will.

    Visiting from TRDC.

  12. Wow. That was totally powerful writing. I could feel you flashing moment by moment and looking at the world around you, the world ahead and totally panicking. And yet - you did it! You survived! Thanks for sharing.

  13. What a situation. I can feel the stress building as you flashed form one issue to the next. Did it all work out? Was the handsome co-worker supportive?

  14. This was great, I feel your stubborn belief in yourself to not screw this up. Good job on the piece.
    Came by from TRDC...

  15. visiting from TRDC
    this was a great look into who you are, the way you handled those 2 lines and the thing they meant. I was sitting on the edge of my seat and that's a good thing. WOW.

  16. Well done.
    I remember having some of those same feelings.
    You brought them back.

  17. I love that even when faced with obstacles or anxiety or whatnot, you refused to sink. Good attitude!

  18. A different set of circumstances, but oh . . . how I remember that moment when the world shifted beneath my feet and my entire perspective changed. It's huge, that moment. Huge.

    Panicky and glorious and joyful and scary and huge.

    And I did not sink.

    As you did not.

    This is an awesome emotional piece. Thank you!

  19. This so perfectly encapsulates you - you do not sink. You do not sink, you do not sink, you do not sink.

  20. I see you there, staring at those lines, wondering what the hell you're going to do... and I see so much of who you are wrapped up in the lines that follow.

    Well done.

  21. I love the ending...it shows so much about you. Lovely!

    Visiting from TRDC

  22. Yes, even during anxiety, we know deep down that everything will be ok. Loved it!

  23. I think we've all considered sinking...you're right, it IS ugly, and there is flailing, but sinking is not an option.

  24. Wow, what a moment. Nothing on earth will ever touch that moment.

  25. What a defining moment. I love how you talk about making decisions that you didn't even know needed to be made. It seems that children do that to us. Children change us instantaneously! Great post!

  26. I am in LOVE with your cadence in this post - perfection.