Thursday, July 8, 2010

I wish I would have....

Mama's Losin' It


2.) I wish I would have...describe a time when you didn't take action, but later wished you would have.

When I was 23, I worked for the post office doing data entry. I listened to books on tape all day & typed address parts. For like $15/hour. Should've been a cushy job, right? Well, people "go postal" for a reason. The management? Treats employees terribly. The bureaucracy was ridiculous and stupid. I hated that job.

Every year around August or so they would start hiring new employees to deal with the onslaught of mail that Christmas always brought. One year, they managed to hire a bunch of good-looking people. My best friend & I would scope out the new hires & amuse ourselves with the people watching. Data entry is boring, what can I say.

This was 2001, and I was about to be divorced. I had spent too long feeling like "one of the guys" instead of a wife. So, I took particular delight in the people watching that year. And there was one guy who struck me as being particularly attractive. He had dark wavy hair & stunning blue eyes. The eyes are what got me, so much so that I sent my friend out into the break room one day to see for herself. She agreed.

Every day he came in, I would watch him. He didn't seem to talk to anyone much and always left early, if the option was available. I would sit near him, but not quite next to him, because after all those years of feeling like an unattractive "one of the guys" woman, I had zero self-confidence. So, I would watch, all Lame-o stalker like. I figured out his name & discovered that his sister worked there too. Technically, she could've been his wife, but they looked too much alike, so I went with sister (which was the case).

One day as I was waiting in the hall to clock in from lunch, I realized that I was standing behind him in the mass of people waiting to clock in. He was waiting to start his shift. I had a very clear thought at that moment. Have you ever had a dream that was so vivid you almost can't tell it's a dream? That is how clear & vivid this thought was. I've had very few thoughts like this one. The thought was "if you're going to talk to him, you'd better do it now. You don't have much time." As if someone had whispered that in my ear.

I said nothing. I was too scared of being rejected.

Shortly thereafter, I noticed he wasn't at work anymore. I considered asking his sister about him, but decided against it. I'd never talked to him & never talked to her, so how dumb would I look asking her about her brother? Stalk much?

Then one day, not long after I'd noticed he was gone, there was a note on the board saying that he was dead. He had killed himself the night before.

I wish I had told him I thought he had beautiful eyes.

13 comments:

  1. OMG, that's so horrible. I don't have any other words for that.

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  2. Oh my, I didn't see that coming. That was just
    awful...sad...sad...sad!
    Brunch101

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  3. I totally did not see that coming. Wow. How tragic.

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  4. Oh wow... that came right out of the blue. Woulda coulda shoulda, huh? Poor guy.

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  5. Oh. That tore at my heart, a little bit. Poor you, poor him...just ugh.

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  6. WOW. Just wow! I was not expecting that ending. How sad.

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  7. That's terrible. I don't even know what to say. That's just so unbelievably sad. You never know what people are going through huh?
    Thanks for stopping by my place and commenting on my Writer's Workshop post. Have a great evening.

    Kristi, Live and Love...Out Loud
    @TweetingMama

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  8. Ah, wow...I was not expecting that. I hate feeling those regretful feelings. There's nothing I can even say about this other than it's incredibly sad for him.

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  9. Yeah, this one has been one of my more painful learning experiences. I am now good friends with his sister. I went to his funeral. It was humbling, embarrassing, and painful...but educational. Honestly, I don't think I could've changed anything. I don't think I was mentally in a place where I could've handled the depression he had...but I'll never know. And that clear thought I had? Has haunted me to this day.

    I promise, tomorrow's post will be much more uplifting than this one....

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  10. so unbelievably heartbreaking and touching. Thank you for sharing.

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  11. Stopping over from Coma Girl's Friday Favorites. What a sad story. But there's a reason your path crossed his. Even if the ending wasn't what you were hoping for.

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  12. Oh how awful! But as Fadra said there was a reason your paths crossed and hopefully this has given you the confidence to listen to that inner voice.

    Stopping by from Coma Girl's Friday Favorites

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