When Logic & Feelings Collide

So, what do you think about p*rn? I don't really mean in the moral sense (i.e. it is a sin & should never be viewed/participated in/etc.), I mean in the realistic sense of it's everywhere & odds are someone you know is looking at it...or maybe you are. And doesn't everyone have a sex tape?

My feelings on it have vacillated over the years. In some relationships, I didn't care. In others I was just oblivious. The relationships I cared most about? Are the ones in which it bothered me. And in this relationship...I care. A lot.

I'm going to hang it all out here...& I may risk TMI...so if you're sensitive to that kind of thing...Well, thanks for stopping by. I'll try to make my next post funny. Or something.

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And for the rest of you? This isn't going to be an x-rated post. Just honest feelings...and some insecurities.

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Ok. Still here?

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Hello? (crickets chirping)

Oh, well.

So, my general thoughts here are that I don't have a moral issue with p*rn...provided that everyone is a consenting adult....and it doesn't replace a partner when a relationship exists. I do think for some people, it can be a problem. Many people can drink alcohol with no problem...but there are those who just can't drink at all without it turning into a problem. I believe p*rn is much the same way.

It's not really my thing. I'd rather be having than looking.

However, I am a female & my understanding is that we are not as visually driven as men. Apparently? Looking is a big deal to guys.

So here is where my problem comes in. After the 80 pounds of baby weight? I don't feel so sexy. Hub says I'm sexy...but, really, what is he going to say? I realize there are douche bags out there who would say "EW! You're fat. Get away!" But he is not a douche bag. I also know that he likely would not be with me if I repelled him.

But I don't think people would be downloading me from the internet.

Honestly? I'm threatened by those downloadable people. Even though they are "real" people (& not the plasticky pay-for kind) - I'm still threatened by them. I don't want to be compared to people that are 80 pounds thinner than me. I don't want my husband to realize "you know, she is pretty chubby..."

I don't want to be threatened by that. Hotter people do exist, even the real kind that you don't download. They have the nerve to have jobs; frequent retail & food establishments; and even just walk around in public.

And I don't want to be threatened by them. Or feel bad about myself because of them.

I know, on some level, that this starts with me. That it is an insecurity of mine. I miss my thinner body...but even then? I still didn't feel particularly sexy. Even at 120 pounds - which is still 20 pounds too fat for a model, but made me look like I was all bobble-head and collar bones - I was still threatened by other hotness.

But what do I do about that?

I can't expect Hub to be blind to every other woman but me. As long as he isn't a douche bag about noticing and he doesn't touch them, I shouldn't be threatened.

But I am. And I feel bad about that. Because when I feel threatened? He feels like a douche bag. And I don't like that.

It seems like I'm being unfair. Logically, I understand this. He married me. We have an active "intimate" life. Logically, I understand that I have nothing to worry about.

But my feelings? Are another story. My feelings are rooted in deep mistrust of men and personal insecurity.

And I'm still threatened.

My feelings have always been troublemakers. I don't want Hub to feel like a douche bag. But until I can learn to not be threatened by other people's hotness, real or virtual? He will continue to feel that way. And I feel really bad about that.

WTH did you mean by that?!?

My skin is entirely too thin. I know this. My Hub will tell you this. Other people who know me will look nonchalant as they try to nod inconspicuously so they don't hurt my feelings with their vigorous agreement. I take things personally that were not meant for me. It drives my husband nuts. It drives me nuts.

My whole morning got off to a down start because someone said something that could technically be applied to me...but in all probability had nothing to do with me whatsoever. I don't think I register high enough on this person's radar to even be in mind when the comment was made. But? It still bummed me out. What the comment was about? Was something I enjoy. Something that is good for me and makes me happy.

So why do I care what other people think? Honestly? I don't know. On the whole, I like myself and am proud of the things I enjoy. Why would I let someone else bring me down? Why do I let Hub's simple questions/comments turn into a personal attack?

Hub & I had an entire "agitated discussion" because I asked him to text me after he got Boo dropped off at preschool one morning. We were only a couple days into the whole preschool thing, everyone was still adjusting, & I wanted to make sure that the daddy drop-off procedure went ok.

I may be a little overprotective. Possibly.

Hub commented that he would try to remember, but if he forgot until he was driving? Just to let me know? He's not going to text me while driving.

Um, Duh.

Why would he say that? Was he implying that I expected him to do that? Does he think that I expect him to text me immediately upon remembering under any circumstances? Why would he think I had the expectation that he should do something blatantly unsafe? I was rather offended that he thought this statement even needed to be made.

It's possible I read too much into things at times. Maybe.

I think it comes down to me being insecure. I think because I was raised by a person who did use "simple" questions as a personal attack and who thought nothing of routinely killing my darlings because she thought they were stupid. Or perhaps because she thought I was stupid.

How long does it take to let go of a conditioned mindset? Yeah, I had 19 years of conditioning, but clearly? My mother was not, and likely is not, a happy person. I would not consider her life a "success." So why do I give a damn what she thought?

Because she is my mother.

At some point? I want to let it go. I want to go about my day and not have my feelings hurt by offhand comments that have nothing to do with me. Even if they could be applied to me? Who cares? Am I happy? Am I doing what's right? Can I look my family in the eyes & be proud of who I am & how I treat them? Am I content that they know I love them? Am I content knowing they love me?

Yes?

Then fuck what anyone else thinks.