Sunday, February 6, 2011

Dichotomous Heart

This evening I got some news I didn't want.

I can't say that I'm surprised. That happens a lot, actually.

It tends to happen when I get my hopes up for something. It seems to happen more often when I tell people about that thing about which I have my hopes up.

I know that is just perception. That I just notice the bad things more. That I make a note of things that reinforce my belief and kinda disregard the rest.

I don't remember if I got that tidbit from my psych education or a book on tape I listened to. Either way, it came with a bunch of references and citations. None of which I ever bothered to verify. Because I'm just not that anal.

Nonetheless, because something was not unexpected? Does not make it any less disappointing. And I often don't handle disappointment well. Especially if others are around to witness my disappointment.

Again, I think it's perception. I really don't handle the disappointment any better by myself, I just don't feel like a boob acting like an ass in front of myself.

Hub told me that I should prepare to have Princess with us for at least another year. That he has not seen her mother (Skankula) prove that she can be at least semi self-sufficient. Which is his requirement for returning custody to her mother.

And he is right. Fuck if he isn't right.

And I so profoundly wish that he was not. So much.

I am not bonding with this child. She epitomizes much of what I have hated in children before I had Boo.

See, Boo surprised me with the knowledge that I could love a child. That I could have that ooey gooey mommy feeling.

One of my greatest fears during pregnancy - aside from being a total and complete failure as a parent - was that I would not bond with my child. I had never liked children. I did not have that squishy "I'm going to be a mom!" glow while I was pregnant.

But as much as I want her out of our house, and as much as I don't miss her when she's not here (hate me if you want...but I'm being honest)? As much as I really feel all of that? I can't in good conscience send her somewhere that I know is actually bad for her.

As I may have mentioned before? I have all these stupid principles. And sometimes? they really get in the way of what I want. What I also believe the other members of this household want. What her mother wants. What she wants.

Despite my frustration with our situation and the problems she brings to our household, I can't send her into an awful situation. Plus? I support my husband. I agree with his logic.

So? I focus on the logic. I try to harness my feelings. I try to make the best of a less than ideal situation.

I just wish I could be happy about it.


  1. I can relate. I raise 3 step sons (lived with us full time) as well as my own son from my first marriage. I started out feeling bad for my ss's having had a mom that walked out on them but inside of 2 years I was strating to think maybe their mom had the right idea. I appreciate your honesty and can relate but keep in mind that sometimes we must "to thine own self be true" Life is full of hard choices. Hang in there.

  2. Aww.. that must be tough. I may not know what you are going through, but I understand how you feel - about 'what's right and what I want aren't necessarily in line'. I feel that way often.
    I hope the situation changes soon - whether it be Princess' mom getting on track, or Princess changing her behavior and attitude so it may get easier to build a relationship with her.
    Thinking of you! xo

  3. I'm so, so sorry you got this rather unfortunate news. But yes, trying to focus on the logic. And know that this too shall pass.

  4. Generally, it's usually pretty hard to be happy about doing the right thing. Because the right thing sucks.