Dichotomous Heart

This evening I got some news I didn't want.

I can't say that I'm surprised. That happens a lot, actually.

It tends to happen when I get my hopes up for something. It seems to happen more often when I tell people about that thing about which I have my hopes up.

I know that is just perception. That I just notice the bad things more. That I make a note of things that reinforce my belief and kinda disregard the rest.

I don't remember if I got that tidbit from my psych education or a book on tape I listened to. Either way, it came with a bunch of references and citations. None of which I ever bothered to verify. Because I'm just not that anal.

Nonetheless, because something was not unexpected? Does not make it any less disappointing. And I often don't handle disappointment well. Especially if others are around to witness my disappointment.

Again, I think it's perception. I really don't handle the disappointment any better by myself, I just don't feel like a boob acting like an ass in front of myself.

Hub told me that I should prepare to have Princess with us for at least another year. That he has not seen her mother (Skankula) prove that she can be at least semi self-sufficient. Which is his requirement for returning custody to her mother.

And he is right. Fuck if he isn't right.

And I so profoundly wish that he was not. So much.

I am not bonding with this child. She epitomizes much of what I have hated in children before I had Boo.

See, Boo surprised me with the knowledge that I could love a child. That I could have that ooey gooey mommy feeling.

One of my greatest fears during pregnancy - aside from being a total and complete failure as a parent - was that I would not bond with my child. I had never liked children. I did not have that squishy "I'm going to be a mom!" glow while I was pregnant.

But as much as I want her out of our house, and as much as I don't miss her when she's not here (hate me if you want...but I'm being honest)? As much as I really feel all of that? I can't in good conscience send her somewhere that I know is actually bad for her.

As I may have mentioned before? I have all these stupid principles. And sometimes? they really get in the way of what I want. What I also believe the other members of this household want. What her mother wants. What she wants.

Despite my frustration with our situation and the problems she brings to our household, I can't send her into an awful situation. Plus? I support my husband. I agree with his logic.

So? I focus on the logic. I try to harness my feelings. I try to make the best of a less than ideal situation.

I just wish I could be happy about it.