So is there a baby or not???

In case you're new, or have short-term memory loss, or just don't remember the silly details of my existence, Hub and I decided over Thanksgiving that I would go off the pill.

What followed? was months of illness, unexpected "visitors," and generally getting the finger from the Universe.

So as we bring month 3 of "trying" to a close...the big question is Am I Pregnant?

And that would be a no.

Technically? It's a little early to tell, but based on when we didn't have sex and some of the PMS-y feelings I'm having? I'm pretty confident that it's a no, take 3.

I have mixed feelings about this.

Part of me is so sad every time this time of the month rolls around and there is no baby.

There is a part of me that believes that if I don't get knocked up? It's just not meant to be. I have already decided that I don't want to go down the infertility treatment road. We each already have a child and it's just not something to which we're that dedicated that we'll incur the expense and endure the stress of all of that.

There is also a part of me that is now a little scared of getting pregnant. And there are a number of reasons for that.

I've had time to really think about our decision. And I've gotten scared of all the things that could be.

My son is an amazing child, was a great baby, and an easy pregnancy (except for the 60 pound weight gain).

Having a baby with my husband will make a different baby. And this could mean anything.

It could mean I have another moderately easy pregnancy, great baby, and awesome kid. A baby that I can enjoy being a mother to, bond with, and generally revel in all that is new babiness. This is obviously my hope.

But that is only my hope. I have nothing more than hope that having a child with my husband will be the kind of amazing experience that my first child is.

I thought I knew what to expect because I've had a baby once before...but really? That doesn't mean much. Every kid is different. So really? I don't know crap about what to expect.

Which leads me to all the fear. Because I suck with ambiguity and not knowing.

I fear what will happen to my body by having another child. I am still a good 50 pounds overweight from my 1st pregnancy. It has been an ongoing struggle to get that weight off. An unsuccessful struggle thus far. And even tho I'm not giving up? It's hard to not lose all hope of having a healthy-ish body again. And I'm really afraid of what another pregnancy will do.

I imagine more pounds that must be lost, the greater lack of energy, and more feelings of sadness and frustration with my body. Because really? Who gets pregnant and doesn't gain weight? I'm supposed to gain like 20-30 pounds and only maybe 10 of that will go when the baby is born. Leaving me 10-20 pounds deeper in the hole.

This may seem shallow...but the idea of being even further behind with my weight AND having another child to take care of? Makes me a little nervous.

I fear that I won't be able to handle an infant on top of everything else.

I fear that we might have a baby that is like Princess.

I have the fear of having a "high needs" baby...because I don't think I could do it. Adrienne bravely writes about her experience as a mother to a mentally ill son. And I am fucking amazed at her strength and her ability to keep fighting.

Amazed.

But I don't think I have what it takes. Frankly? I don't want to have what it takes. I don't want to be that strong.

And while I realize the odds of that happening are relatively slim? It scares the shit out of me.

Then I go back & think about what it could be like...what it was like with Boo. And I think it might be alright. That same kind of amazing experience that made me a mother in the first place. The take-your-breath-away kind of joy that Boo brings me every day...but in another, different child.

Stupid fear.

I fucking think too much and it is way annoying.

This? Is part of the reason that I wanted to get pregnant right away once we decided. Because otherwise? I have all this time for thinking.

And thinking just freaks me out.