Wednesday, February 2, 2011

So is there a baby or not???

In case you're new, or have short-term memory loss, or just don't remember the silly details of my existence, Hub and I decided over Thanksgiving that I would go off the pill.

What followed? was months of illness, unexpected "visitors," and generally getting the finger from the Universe.

So as we bring month 3 of "trying" to a close...the big question is Am I Pregnant?

And that would be a no.

Technically? It's a little early to tell, but based on when we didn't have sex and some of the PMS-y feelings I'm having? I'm pretty confident that it's a no, take 3.

I have mixed feelings about this.

Part of me is so sad every time this time of the month rolls around and there is no baby.

There is a part of me that believes that if I don't get knocked up? It's just not meant to be. I have already decided that I don't want to go down the infertility treatment road. We each already have a child and it's just not something to which we're that dedicated that we'll incur the expense and endure the stress of all of that.

There is also a part of me that is now a little scared of getting pregnant. And there are a number of reasons for that.

I've had time to really think about our decision. And I've gotten scared of all the things that could be.

My son is an amazing child, was a great baby, and an easy pregnancy (except for the 60 pound weight gain).

Having a baby with my husband will make a different baby. And this could mean anything.

It could mean I have another moderately easy pregnancy, great baby, and awesome kid. A baby that I can enjoy being a mother to, bond with, and generally revel in all that is new babiness. This is obviously my hope.

But that is only my hope. I have nothing more than hope that having a child with my husband will be the kind of amazing experience that my first child is.

I thought I knew what to expect because I've had a baby once before...but really? That doesn't mean much. Every kid is different. So really? I don't know crap about what to expect.

Which leads me to all the fear. Because I suck with ambiguity and not knowing.

I fear what will happen to my body by having another child. I am still a good 50 pounds overweight from my 1st pregnancy. It has been an ongoing struggle to get that weight off. An unsuccessful struggle thus far. And even tho I'm not giving up? It's hard to not lose all hope of having a healthy-ish body again. And I'm really afraid of what another pregnancy will do.

I imagine more pounds that must be lost, the greater lack of energy, and more feelings of sadness and frustration with my body. Because really? Who gets pregnant and doesn't gain weight? I'm supposed to gain like 20-30 pounds and only maybe 10 of that will go when the baby is born. Leaving me 10-20 pounds deeper in the hole.

This may seem shallow...but the idea of being even further behind with my weight AND having another child to take care of? Makes me a little nervous.

I fear that I won't be able to handle an infant on top of everything else.

I fear that we might have a baby that is like Princess.

I have the fear of having a "high needs" baby...because I don't think I could do it. Adrienne bravely writes about her experience as a mother to a mentally ill son. And I am fucking amazed at her strength and her ability to keep fighting.

Amazed.

But I don't think I have what it takes. Frankly? I don't want to have what it takes. I don't want to be that strong.

And while I realize the odds of that happening are relatively slim? It scares the shit out of me.

Then I go back & think about what it could be like...what it was like with Boo. And I think it might be alright. That same kind of amazing experience that made me a mother in the first place. The take-your-breath-away kind of joy that Boo brings me every day...but in another, different child.

Stupid fear.

I fucking think too much and it is way annoying.

This? Is part of the reason that I wanted to get pregnant right away once we decided. Because otherwise? I have all this time for thinking.

And thinking just freaks me out.

10 comments:

  1. Yes. Thinking is definitely to your detriment at this point.

    3 months is NOT a long time, so I wouldn't worry about it from the "it hasn't happened yet" standpoint. And if you do get pregnant, you know you guys will figure it out and it will be so worth it.

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  2. Thinking is stupid.. I think way too much.. As soon as AMP said we could start trying next year.. I started to freak out.. Because now that the decision is made and I've brought him to my side (or closer to my side than he originally was) I have all this time to think.. Think about how much having a kid will change our lives. Worrying about pregnancy and weight gain (and how I can't manage to lose ten pounds now without a kid), and yea..
    Thinking is so overrated.. Hope it happens next month for you, so you can stop thinking about the decision.. and then you can just stress over everything else haha.. Got to love life.

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  3. I know you're right from a "it hasn't happened yet" standpoint. It's not really that...I know people have tried WAY longer & it would be silly (even for me) to be upset about how "long" it's taking.

    It's more a matter of having that time to think and get stressed out about things.

    I *always* think too much when it comes to major life-changing things...or even minor no-one-will-ever-notice things.

    Time? Lets those little seeds fester in my head. And I think about them. And I freak myself out.

    I know I'm being a boob. I do. But I just can't help myself. LoL Stupid anxiety anyway.

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  4. Yes. Thinking is stupid. And it annoys me that I do it so much...to my detriment as Liz stated.

    I'm glad you have AMP leaning more in your direction...and I totally understand where you're coming from. It's just so hard to block out all the stupid anxiety. Hmph.

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  5. Lori, Martha PointsFebruary 2, 2011 at 11:00 PM

    If you want a new baby to love...
    If you want to grow an amazing person into the world...
    Then don't let the rest be the barrier.

    You can't let what-ifs (statistically small what-ifs,too) decide for you. You will not be happy that way.

    And I think Adrienne will the be first to tell you that she does what she does because there were no other choices. She does not consider herself unduly strong. She considers herself doing what needs to be done.

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  6. What will be will be. And it will be good, however it is.

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  7. And you know? When I'm not all anxiousy & stressed out? I'm OK with that. But then I start thinking. And thinking always gets me into trouble. I just want things to go the way *I* think they should. *sigh*

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  8. I know that what you say is true. I do. But I think too much. And that feeds my anxiety monster. And my monster sometimes really gets out of hand.

    I do understand about Adrienne. I understand about doing what you must simply because it must be done. But I still admire her for doing it. Not everyone does. And I admire that she is so willing to stand up and be honest and fight...even when it's not popular or the "accepted" way of things. I would hope that I would have the fortitude to do the same if I were in her shoes...altho I hope I never have to find out. And I'm just a little ashamed to admit that.

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  9. I'm glad you seem to be OK with what's going on. Not gonna lie, though, stop fucking thinking ;)

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  10. I have been pregnant exactly twice. And each time? I got pregnant the very first month we stopped using birth control. And for me? That was a HUGE blessing, because once I decided to do the thing? I wanted to just do it. NOW.

    If I had been left with months in which to think about it?

    Months in which to obsess and worry over whether or not I wanted to be pregnant?

    I would have been just like you.

    No fun at all.

    Too much thinking.

    Sigh.

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