I'm still here...more or less

It's been a while since I've posted. I actually hate it when that happens.

Ideally? I'd like to be a 2-3 times a week poster. Not too much, but a couple of consistent posts per week.

Yeah. That's clearly working out for me.

Hmph.

As I'm sure many of you will be shocked to discover...I'm actually feeling a little run down lately.

gasp!

In some ways this pregnancy has been easier than my 1st. I sorta know what's going on, etc.

In other ways? Even tho I'm only 6 weeks? It's been harder. I've been queasy for the last couple of weeks. Usually, it's not too bad. But if I don't nibble regularly? It can get kinda bad.

I have yet to throw up. ::knocking vigorously on wood:: But I have come very close.

And I'm tired. Well, tired-er.

On the whole, I'm not too psycho. I've been even-tempered enough that Hub's head has time to grow back between "episodes."

I'm also rounder than I want to be. Already I have jeans that are quite uncomfortable around my middle. Everything else fits fine (thank God), but the waist? Muy uncomfy.

I continue to hope that this is because it is my 2nd child and not because I'm incubating a litter.

So, physically? I feel pretty "bleh." Mentally? I'm pretty happy. Combined? I'm generally in a robust state of "meh."

I am still (slowly) making the rounds to everyone's blogs...but I'm not feeling as commenty as usual. So my apologies for my lurking.

I'm trying to work up some good writing...but my general state of "meh" has made it challenging.

A V-day quickie. Woo!

Happy Valentine's Day!

And welcome to my 100th post! Which I actually just noticed. And my super awesome 100th post? Is going to be a quickie.

I hope you like quickies.

I was wrong

Apparently? I was wrong.

A tale of 2 chihuahuas...and a cat.

So we have this dog. She is actually chihuahua #2.

She is the second chihuahua we never expected to own. But here she is. She has a much different personality than our 1st chihuahua. She's also shaped somewhat differently than our 1st chihuahua.

Boxy.

And somewhat loafish.

And there are a few conflicts.



The 1st has been the sole dog for probably 6+ years. Now, we have introduced an interloper. An interloper who has a much more dominant personality.

She is also about as graceful as a brick.

This square loafish brick often tries to mount the much larger cat, Gandalf.



Boo, upon witnessing this feat once, announced to me "Look mommy! She's trying to pick up Gandalf!"

But I don't think it was the same kind of "picking up" he had in mind.

Ahem.

Another fun tidbit about this dog? If there is attention to be had? She bull-dozes her way in because SHE must be the center of said attention. She has forcibly plowed into and knocked over the smaller, more demure chihuahua #1 to get in on petting action.

If there are other animals between her and what she wants? Pfft. Whatever.



Species is really irrelevant.



When the kids aren't around, we have come to call her the whore loaf. Because she so is.

A couple days ago, I'm pleasantly scratching chihuahua #1 behind the ears. She is loving this. Yeah, that's the good stuff right there.

Enter chihuahua #2. Forcibly.

Chihuahua #1 goes sprawling, with an expression of great offense.

With my customary eye roll I inform chihuahua #2 that she is, in fact, a hooker.

"Mommy, what's a hooker?"

Dammit.

Dichotomous Heart

This evening I got some news I didn't want.

I can't say that I'm surprised. That happens a lot, actually.

It tends to happen when I get my hopes up for something. It seems to happen more often when I tell people about that thing about which I have my hopes up.

I know that is just perception. That I just notice the bad things more. That I make a note of things that reinforce my belief and kinda disregard the rest.

I don't remember if I got that tidbit from my psych education or a book on tape I listened to. Either way, it came with a bunch of references and citations. None of which I ever bothered to verify. Because I'm just not that anal.

Nonetheless, because something was not unexpected? Does not make it any less disappointing. And I often don't handle disappointment well. Especially if others are around to witness my disappointment.

Again, I think it's perception. I really don't handle the disappointment any better by myself, I just don't feel like a boob acting like an ass in front of myself.

Hub told me that I should prepare to have Princess with us for at least another year. That he has not seen her mother (Skankula) prove that she can be at least semi self-sufficient. Which is his requirement for returning custody to her mother.

And he is right. Fuck if he isn't right.

And I so profoundly wish that he was not. So much.

I am not bonding with this child. She epitomizes much of what I have hated in children before I had Boo.

See, Boo surprised me with the knowledge that I could love a child. That I could have that ooey gooey mommy feeling.

One of my greatest fears during pregnancy - aside from being a total and complete failure as a parent - was that I would not bond with my child. I had never liked children. I did not have that squishy "I'm going to be a mom!" glow while I was pregnant.

But as much as I want her out of our house, and as much as I don't miss her when she's not here (hate me if you want...but I'm being honest)? As much as I really feel all of that? I can't in good conscience send her somewhere that I know is actually bad for her.

As I may have mentioned before? I have all these stupid principles. And sometimes? they really get in the way of what I want. What I also believe the other members of this household want. What her mother wants. What she wants.

Despite my frustration with our situation and the problems she brings to our household, I can't send her into an awful situation. Plus? I support my husband. I agree with his logic.

So? I focus on the logic. I try to harness my feelings. I try to make the best of a less than ideal situation.

I just wish I could be happy about it.

The Monster Inside Me

Yesterday I posted about some of my fears about having a baby.

In retrospect, I almost feel like a bit of a boob. Almost.

I know that the things that are freaking me out are either superficial or statistical anomalies. My brain knows this. Truly, it does.

But other things sneak in. Little tidbits, like barbed seeds, they stick in my brain & begin to grow.

So is there a baby or not???

In case you're new, or have short-term memory loss, or just don't remember the silly details of my existence, Hub and I decided over Thanksgiving that I would go off the pill.

What followed? was months of illness, unexpected "visitors," and generally getting the finger from the Universe.

So as we bring month 3 of "trying" to a close...the big question is Am I Pregnant?