Thursday, May 20, 2010


After we moved to Maryland nearly 3 years ago, I got talked into returning to college by a very convincing enrollment counselor. After finishing my AA, I got talked into going for my bachelors by a less convincing continuing education advisor (he just freaked me out about my student loans & I rushed to keep going).

Now, I'm less than 5 months away from being done with my bachelors, up to my eyeballs in student loans, & somehow, I still don't know WTH to do with myself. Most of what I want to do takes a masters...but the kind of masters that requires internships & residencies. The ideal masters program strongly recommends that students not work more than 10 hours per week in addition to their coursework. If I could afford to only work 10 hours a week, I wouldn't be going for my masters, would I? I'd say that would be a pretty sweet deal. 10 hours a week. Pffft.

Am I the only one that finds this stupid? Perhaps.

At first, the research into a masters program was exhilarating. Now I'm just tired & my brain hurts. I haven't answered any questions, but have seriously freaked myself out about the feasibility of going for my masters. I made a choice to pursue more education to create more opportunities for myself...but just not quite enough education, apparently. Now I'm scared that I'm little better off than I was before, but much further in debt.

Ok, so a degree helps to get a job, but if it's not a fulfilling job, what's the point? I can get an unfulfilling job without the $35k in debt. I need more than just a paycheck, I need to feel as if I'm fulfilling my purpose in life. I'm not helping anyone with what I'm doing. It bores me to tears. But now I feel stuck. I can't get the education I need to do what I really want. I can't afford to pay back the loans on the education I just got. I've spent nearly 3 years getting here & feel like I'm no better off than I was to start with. I've missed out on time with my family, sleep, keeping my house in some semblance of order, & so many things I can't even list...& for what? To get a degree that's not enough to get me a job that will afford me the income to pay off the loans I racked up getting the damn degree in the first place.

Who is stupid here? >.<

I'm frustrated, angry, and want to cry. I'm trying futilely to hang on to my pride that I'm already a college graduate. That I'll have an undergraduate degree in a few months. I have more education than I ever thought I would. I thought at some point in this educational process I'd get some idea of what to do with it to fulfill my purpose...& I'm still in the same place I was when I started. Hell, I'm in the same place I was when I was 18 & starting community college wondering what the hell I'm going to do with myself. I've been searching for 14 years for the answer & it's just not coming to me. I've read, I've researched, I've conversed, I've learned...still nothing. I suppose one could argue I have 14 years of experience in knowing what I don't want to do.


Now what? I need to pay bills & I don't want to miss any more of the formative years of my children. Read: the years they still like me & want to be seen with me. Perhaps I should wait to "find my purpose" until they're attitudey teenagers that would rather streak through school than be seen with me. After all, by then, they will know everything & will no longer be in need of my archaic guidance. Perhaps that would be an appropriate time for boring old mom to dust off the walker, put the knitting down, & get her learn on.

My brain hurts.

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