Yep, It's Monday

Woo. It's Monday. It's an early day for me. Up by 5:30 so I can get all the kids appropriately shuffled. I get home by about 6:45 & get my butt in the kitchen & cook dinner for the fam. I'll get to do the same thing tomorrow...which reminds me, I need to take the chicken out of the freezer to thaw for tomorrow's enchiladas...just a sec...

...

Ok, I fixed the seasoning ratio that I'd written down wrong for tonight's dinner.

...Oh, wait...that's not what I got up for. Dammit.

...

What did I get up for again...? Oh, chicken. Right.

...

Ok. Chicken out of freezer & on the counter for a while to defrost. Hopefully I remember to get it into the crock pot before I go to bed and not just leave it moldering on the counter all night like I did that one time...

This is my life. A bunch of stuff I should be doing. A lot of it that doesn't get done the way I wish it would. And all of it? Happens in a very ADD kind of way. I always think "when I have more time..." or "when I get out of school..." but I don't know if that will really make a difference.

Perhaps I just need to embrace the fact that dutiful organization? Is just not me.

I've had enough now

So, I got pregnant in 2005. I got ditched by his father (best thing he could've done for his son). But, I was unprepared to have a baby. I was broke. So? I did what responsible people do...I got a 2nd job to save up money. Being pregnant & working 2 jobs? Sucked. But, I can honestly say that Starbucks was the least horrible food-related job I've ever had.

Anyway, because of all this, I had zero time to take care of myself. I got home from Starbucks late every night & I had a corporate job to go to in the morning. I didn't sleep enough, I didn't exercise, and I didn't have time to cook. This equals picking up food in the "food court" near the Starbucks. Which in turn equaled too much weight gain.

I started out at 5'8" & 145 lbs (I'm built curvy, so I looked *good* at this weight). When I delivered? Still 5'8", but 220 lbs. I had a naggy OBGYN who continually chastised me for gaining so much weight. Which just made me feel worse.

(ADD moment - why do doctors always do this? Like I don't know I'm overweight? It's like telling smokers that smoking is bad for them. Um, duh. I don't need a mommy/daddy figure nagging me to lose weight. Shut up. Moving on...)

That was the biggest I had ever been. I was not happy about it, but I was distracted with other things...like parenthood. I lost about 30lbs while I was breastfeeding, but when he weaned himself at 9 months and we started the "cross-country move" process, about 10-15 of those pounds came back. I now sit at 200 even. And I am freaking the hell out.

But why? I know women who solidly outweigh me that think, no, they know they are fucking hot. So. I need an attitude adjustment. And some lifestyle change.

I have tried several times to lose more of the baby weight. The last time I tried? I managed about 2 months of solid exercise & eating better. No weight lost. Zero. Then came the morning I woke up & my knee wouldn't straighten. That lasted 2 weeks & required an orthopedist to fix.

(ADD moment #2/PSA moment #1 - when the doctor asks the nurse to come hold your hand while he injects the numbing agent into your joint? This means the experience will be highly unpleasant. Adding fluid to joints feels yucky.)

After that, I was really depressed. Partly because I'd lost my routine (which is critical for me to do anything) but mostly because I'd put SO much effort into losing weight and saw nothing for it. No weight loss. No improved wardrobe fit. Nada. And as an added bonus, I got a rather unpleasant couple of weeks of no walking plus the fear of doing the whole knee experience again.

Now, I miss my knees working without hurting. I miss the weeks or even months between the spasm attacks my back wages on me. I'm tired of seeing flabby thighs and the belly that was never there before and the back fat. God I hate back fat.

I am making some lifestyle changes. I'm starting with an attitude adjustment. No more looking at myself & telling myself I hate me. No more hating my body. Changing my body requires that I take care of it, not hate it.

I'm also going to make some different choices, with eating & with exercise. I would love to join the Running Between Tweets group, but I've never run before & when I tried to start? I woke up with a knee that wouldn't straighten for two weeks.

So, I'm going to start slow. Just going to add a little activity & some more careful food choices.

But? I'm terrified that I'm going to end up where I have so many times before - injured & still 200lbs.

WTH did you mean by that?!?

My skin is entirely too thin. I know this. My Hub will tell you this. Other people who know me will look nonchalant as they try to nod inconspicuously so they don't hurt my feelings with their vigorous agreement. I take things personally that were not meant for me. It drives my husband nuts. It drives me nuts.

My whole morning got off to a down start because someone said something that could technically be applied to me...but in all probability had nothing to do with me whatsoever. I don't think I register high enough on this person's radar to even be in mind when the comment was made. But? It still bummed me out. What the comment was about? Was something I enjoy. Something that is good for me and makes me happy.

So why do I care what other people think? Honestly? I don't know. On the whole, I like myself and am proud of the things I enjoy. Why would I let someone else bring me down? Why do I let Hub's simple questions/comments turn into a personal attack?

Hub & I had an entire "agitated discussion" because I asked him to text me after he got Boo dropped off at preschool one morning. We were only a couple days into the whole preschool thing, everyone was still adjusting, & I wanted to make sure that the daddy drop-off procedure went ok.

I may be a little overprotective. Possibly.

Hub commented that he would try to remember, but if he forgot until he was driving? Just to let me know? He's not going to text me while driving.

Um, Duh.

Why would he say that? Was he implying that I expected him to do that? Does he think that I expect him to text me immediately upon remembering under any circumstances? Why would he think I had the expectation that he should do something blatantly unsafe? I was rather offended that he thought this statement even needed to be made.

It's possible I read too much into things at times. Maybe.

I think it comes down to me being insecure. I think because I was raised by a person who did use "simple" questions as a personal attack and who thought nothing of routinely killing my darlings because she thought they were stupid. Or perhaps because she thought I was stupid.

How long does it take to let go of a conditioned mindset? Yeah, I had 19 years of conditioning, but clearly? My mother was not, and likely is not, a happy person. I would not consider her life a "success." So why do I give a damn what she thought?

Because she is my mother.

At some point? I want to let it go. I want to go about my day and not have my feelings hurt by offhand comments that have nothing to do with me. Even if they could be applied to me? Who cares? Am I happy? Am I doing what's right? Can I look my family in the eyes & be proud of who I am & how I treat them? Am I content that they know I love them? Am I content knowing they love me?

Yes?

Then fuck what anyone else thinks.

What I Love About Me

I have been given a task. I have been trying to figure myself out, what makes me tick. In doing so, it has come to my attention that I focus primarily on negative aspects of myself and of my performance in many parts of my life. I think much of this stems from the years of condescension from my mother...but I’m a grown-up now & need to move past all of this ancient history and negativity so I can get on with being happy with myself.

My task is to write about what I love about myself – with no qualifications (but, except, I think, etc.). Just the good stuff. The idea here is to think about what I like, what I’m good at and other general areas in which I don’t suck.

So, here goes...

I love that I am an intelligent woman who can take care of herself when the need arises. When shit has hit the fan, I know that I can figure my way out of the mess. I can do this on my own. Help has always been greatly appreciated, but when it doesn’t come or isn’t available? I can figure it out myself.

I love that I can make fun of myself & my shortcomings. This lightens the blow of self-criticism. I am able to take something ridiculous, embarrassing, or just plain stupid that I have done (or not done, as the case may be) and share my idiocy with others in a way that makes them - and me - laugh.

I love that I am confident in my love and vision for my kids. My husband and I have very specific principles in which we believe and wish to impart to our children. Sometimes we (often I) have to be the “bad guys” in order to teach them these principles. I am proud that even though I may feel sad about not being able to give them what they want, I still stand up to them and hold firm to our principles.

I love that I am able to apply principles that I teach my children to myself. I hate hypocrisy. I love that I will hold myself to the same standards I hold my children.

I love that I am determined. When I was left pregnant and alone for example? I handled my shit. I got a second job & began preparing for my child.

I love that I don’t just roll over & expect someone else to fix my problems.

I love that I am self-sufficient. I understand that if I were on my own? My lifestyle wouldn’t be the same, but I would survive on my own. I would be able to provide for my son and myself on my own if I had to.

I love that I am introspective. I believe that knowing oneself is critical to truly loving oneself. I also believe my introspection has helped me improve myself, making me a better person, mother, and mate.

I love that I put on weight proportionally. Those 50 pounds of baby weight that seem to have no incentive to move along? Is pretty evenly distributed. Most people would never guess there are 50 extra pounds.

I love that I’m getting the hang of cooking – for real. I’ve cooked things like chicken, pork chops, enchiladas, & steak/onion/mushroom omelets. When school is done & I have real time to dedicate to cooking? It will be on.

I love that I can “get” things in which I negligible experience – from Hub’s Role Playing Games to a job I’ve never done before. I pick up on things quickly...which is good, being that I seem to frequently get jobs in which I have zero clue what I'm doing.

I love that I can read people well. I am very empathic.

I love that I ultimately make the practical decision.

I love that my purpose in life is to help people. I love that I care enough about humanity that I want to help make it better. (I will love this more when I have figured out *how* to make it better...)

I love that I have a vivid imagination.

I love that I have come to appreciate being unique.

I love that I have been able to come up with 600ish words on what I love about myself.

This task was actually pretty tough for me...especially to do this without qualifying anything...I’m usually pretty good at ABC except that XYZ, but I’m still really terrible at 123.

Your mission, should you choose to accept, is to make your own list of what you love about yourself. We all know where we fall short. I know in excruciatingly minute detail where and how I fall short. But how much do you think about what you love?

I wish I would have....

2.) I wish I would have...describe a time when you didn't take action, but later wished you would have.

When I was 23, I worked for the post office doing data entry. I listened to books on tape all day & typed address parts. For like $15/hour. Should've been a cushy job, right? Well, people "go postal" for a reason. The management? Treats employees terribly. The bureaucracy was ridiculous and stupid. I hated that job.

Every year around August or so they would start hiring new employees to deal with the onslaught of mail that Christmas always brought. One year, they managed to hire a bunch of good-looking people. My best friend & I would scope out the new hires & amuse ourselves with the people watching. Data entry is boring, what can I say.

This was 2001, and I was about to be divorced. I had spent too long feeling like "one of the guys" instead of a wife. So, I took particular delight in the people watching that year. And there was one guy who struck me as being particularly attractive. He had dark wavy hair & stunning blue eyes. The eyes are what got me, so much so that I sent my friend out into the break room one day to see for herself. She agreed.

Every day he came in, I would watch him. He didn't seem to talk to anyone much and always left early, if the option was available. I would sit near him, but not quite next to him, because after all those years of feeling like an unattractive "one of the guys" woman, I had zero self-confidence. So, I would watch, all Lame-o stalker like. I figured out his name & discovered that his sister worked there too. Technically, she could've been his wife, but they looked too much alike, so I went with sister (which was the case).

One day as I was waiting in the hall to clock in from lunch, I realized that I was standing behind him in the mass of people waiting to clock in. He was waiting to start his shift. I had a very clear thought at that moment. Have you ever had a dream that was so vivid you almost can't tell it's a dream? That is how clear & vivid this thought was. I've had very few thoughts like this one. The thought was "if you're going to talk to him, you'd better do it now. You don't have much time." As if someone had whispered that in my ear.

I said nothing. I was too scared of being rejected.

Shortly thereafter, I noticed he wasn't at work anymore. I considered asking his sister about him, but decided against it. I'd never talked to him & never talked to her, so how dumb would I look asking her about her brother? Stalk much?

Then one day, not long after I'd noticed he was gone, there was a note on the board saying that he was dead. He had killed himself the night before.

I wish I had told him I thought he had beautiful eyes.

I'm learning...Kinda

One of the things that I'm (slowly) learning as a parent is that not all kids are created equal. Because we have recently gotten custody of my 5 year old stepdaughter, we are learning some things about having multiple children.

Now, I am an only child. The rumors you have heard about us? We are all hopelessly spoiled, attention is lavished upon us, and life is generally golden in all ways? Ok, I just threw up a little. Someone forgot to send my mother that memo. However, since I was the only kid in the house, I did not learn any of those neat multi-kid dynamics that are apparently normal sibling behaviors (Seriously, must arguing be constant???).

Also, we are adding a 5-year-old to the mix. Not the same as starting off with one, getting preggo, & adding a new baby. You get a little warm-up time for that. The sibling dynamic develops over time as the baby gets older.

The thing that really burns me though, is that the kids have the nerve to be different from one another. What works with my stepdaughter? Totally useless with my son. I am constantly fumbling the discipline ball. Constantly. A firm voice works with my stepdaughter. She fears getting in trouble, complete with trembling lip. Evil Stepmother, right here.

My son? Not so much. If I full on yell? That might slow him down, but then what do I do when he gets too used to me yelling? My babysitter had 2 volumes, on the phone bitching about her mother and/or sister and yelling. He just learned to block it out. For him? I have to take something away. I also have to explain the whole logic behind it. In detail.

They have completely different personalities and backgrounds. And having two? Is way different than just one. Especially when you have other people complicating things. Grandparents with no rules or boundaries. Mothers who emotionally torment out of selfishness - I mean, really, who tells a 5-year-old girl that her siblings are living with the devil when they are living with their father? What is this going to accomplish?? How do you explain to a 5-year-old that her mommy lies to hurt and manipulate people? That apparently, her daughter's emotional well-being rates below mommy's selfish need to emotionally torment the people who have pissed her off? These are things you just can't tell a kid about her mother - the mother that she loves with that wholehearted 5-year-old love regardless.

But I digress....

Sometimes, I feel like I've got this mommy gig down. And other times? I feel like I've just been smacked with the idiot stick. Kids should come with instructions, with chapters like "Odd Questions I Might Ask," "Challenging Bodily Functions," "Approximate Number of Times I Will Break Your Heart," "Illnesses & How Much They Will Stress You Out," and "How to Discipline Me." Seriously, is parenting really one of those things that we should be fumbling about all clueless and unprepared? Who's idea was that, anyway?

Terrific Tuesday - Take 3

Here we are again! Another Terrific Tuesday! The time when I review some of the terrific things that have happened lately! With the use of many exclamation points!!! Because this is something to be excited about!! Yeah!

This week, I am Terrifically Tickled that:
1. I have not yet thrown a kicking, screaming tantrum that I can't get my stupid blog button working.

2. I have discovered a delightfully tasty adult beverage (grasshopper) that is refreshingly minty, a really cool green, and makes both the Hub and I sweat like whores in church. Seriously. Like really cheap, dirty whores.

3. My day of crampy reckoning did not ruin my holiday weekend, but instead waited for me to return to work.

4. Despite what my son told me, I don't think he actually pooped in the grass during his preschool field trip to the pool. I don't think.

5. That I discovered at least one of the original Star Wars movies was made before my birth.

6. I discovered I had forgotten my cell phone bill before they shut it off.

7. I have forgotten only 2 loads of laundry in the washer for multiple days.

8. We did get to enjoy one day of well-behaved stepdaughter before she left for the court mandated week of no rules/boundaries/discipline "utopia" with her grandparents.

9. The cat did not become ill from gnawing on the steak leftovers he pulled from the trash.

10. That Arizona is still 2 degrees hotter than Maryland.

My glass is half-full! And, I'm only sweating like a high-class hooker here, so I'd better finish off the rest of that glass.