Why do I blog?

I got to thinking the the other day...why do I blog? I'm the introspective sort & tend to wonder why I do things. Or, I suppose, I could just be extremely narcissistic and like thinking about myself. Hmm. I'll have to think about that.

I blog for a plethora of reasons. Originally, I started this blog because writing is very therapeutic for me. I find that writing helps me sort my thoughts and emotions so I better understand what I feel and why I feel it.

Also, I wanted an outlet that was somewhat anonymous. While my husband knows about this blog (because I don't believe in keeping secrets from him), many of my frustrations and confused feelings come from family members. I don't want to create family drama while working out my feelings...or maybe venting a little frustration.

Initially, I didn't care if anyone read my blog or not, but I as I got a few readers, and better yet, a few comments, I realized that I enjoyed the interaction and feedback. I have come to enjoy the blog world, not only because of the emotional clarity writing offers me, but because I'm finding other people who know where I'm coming from, who go through some similar things, and who can also offer me new insight and perspective on things that I am going through.

I love my bloggiverse. While it creates more work for me than I really need, I love doing it. Even with one more thing to do, I feel more whole because of it.

However, I have discovered that I have become a bit of a comment whore...but that's not a bad thing, right? I mean, there are a plethora of other deep and meaningful reasons why I do this, so I little bit of comment sluttery is not bad...right?

Also? Don't hate me for starting a sentence with "however." I know it is grammatically incorrect, as are my many prepositionally ended sentences. I'm just not that anal tonight.

You'd be surprised to learn that I...

4.) People would be surprised to learn that…

I had a very educational experience when I was about 19 or 20. I learned something about myself, as I have learned many things about myself, by doing something really stupid.

When I was first dating the man that would become both a good friend as well as my ex-husband (my life is weird. Trust me. Makes for good stories, tho), he lived in an apartment in a seedy part of town. Because I was 20(ish) and worked until 11:00 at night, I would often be over at his place until 2 or 3 in the morning.

On one of those occasions, we had a spat over something. He was a bit of an insensitive boob & I was a young, emotional female. At the time, he was a smoker and I would have a cigarette if I were drinking or really angry. I was really angry.

So, I stood out in the parking lot, alone, at like 2 am smoking a cigarette while standing next to my car. I had put my purse, etc in the car & was standing next to the driver's seat with the door open...to minimize the smell of yuck getting into my car.

While smoking (slowly - I was an amateur), I noticed a guy walking around the parking lot. Being the paranoid that I am, I pulled my switchblade out of my purse, held it in my right hand, and crossed my right arm across me so my right hand and switchblade were hidden underneath my left arm.

As I was nearing the end of my cigarette, the aforementioned shifty guy wandered up to me & started talking (mumbling, really) to me. I am inherently anti-social so I was rather curt with him. He took out a cigarette & asked for a light. My lighter was in my purse & I didn't want to turn my back on him, so I handed him my cigarette to light his. This seemed to throw him off...which bugged me, so I took another drag or 2, put out the cigarette, and got in my car.

For some reason, as I sat down, I turned my head for a split second to look toward the passenger seat. When I turned back around to pull my door shut, the guy was standing there with a small revolver pointed at my head. I squeaked a little (pathetically) because the gun freaked me out. He told me to "Shhhh!" I responded by pulling out my right hand, popping the switchblade at his throat, and telling him "you get the fuck away from me! Get the fuck away!"

He looked at my knife and ran. I then proceeded to have a mild panic attack, drove to the bottom of the stairs of my then boyfriend's apartment, ran up barefoot (I'd had high-heeled boots on, which I flung off before driving the 200 yards in panic), & pounded on his door. He did not appreciate this, but relented when I told him what had happened...then went down to find the guy. He didn't find him.

I learned something interesting about myself in that moment. I learned that I'm a Goddamn idiot for standing out there by myself at 2 am. I learned that when the shit hits the fan? By instinct, I will fight. The guy wasn't prepared to shoot me (or I would be dead). I was prepared to do whatever I had to to keep him away from me. He made the smart decision. That moment simultaneously scared the absolute shit out of me, but taught me that I can handle myself when I need to. I didn't freeze. I fought. I don't know what he wanted, but it was something for which he thought he needed a gun.

A Letter to Myself

Dear Mrs B. (formerly Miss W.),

When I talk to myself, it's usually in real-time. So this opportunity to talk to myself in retrospect is an unusual one. I've thought long and hard about what to say to myself. I'm torn about what to say. I believe that a person has to go through what they go through to get where they need to go & be who they are. I wouldn't be who I am now without going through what I did to get here. Despite some of the tough stuff we've gone through, I'm happy where we ended up & I don't want to change that; however, I'll give us some things to think about.

Don't be afraid to say no. Don't be afraid to say you don't like something, that something isn't right, or something makes you angry. It might make someone mad for a time, but you've dealt with that before. Mad doesn't last forever, & you might save yourself some bad experiences that will haunt you the rest of your life.

Don't be afraid to be different. You wouldn't enjoy being a popular girl anyway, so enjoy who you are instead of being ashamed of it. You can't change it anyway, so embrace it. To hell with what other people think. You'll see in time that being unique is more fun than conforming anyway. Besides, you should enjoy things like dyeing your hair blue while you can. Eventually you'll have to "conform," at least outwardly, in order to get a good paying job, so have fun with it now, when it doesn't matter!

Don't worry so much about boys. Worrying about it makes you less attractive anyway. Enjoy yourself and the boys worth having will find their way to you.

Sex is overrated until you're at least into your 20s. No one knows what they're doing when they're 17 anyway, so don't stress about it. Also, there are many guys out there who will say anything to get you to give it up. Anything. Many of them are full of shit. Keep this in mind. Really.

Marriage? It doesn't change your relationship. If you have problems before you get married, nothing changes when you get married but your name & that breaking up becomes a legal hassle instead of just an emotional/logistical hassle. Think long & hard on this one. Be sure you're ready.

Oh, and about college? Any degree is better than no degree. There will come a point when you will need to have a degree. A bachelors in remedial underwater basket weaving is better than no degree at all. Are you getting this?? $11 an hour seems good when you have no bills, but when you have real bills? It's crap. You will not be happy doing data entry for the government forever. It would be easier to finish college before you get married & have kids.

And by the way? Since you have no real bills & have all that "extra" money? SAVE IT. DEBT SUCKS. Just something to think about...

That boy with the beautiful eyes? There will come a day when you will have a feeling that time is running out. Say something to him while you have the chance. I don't think it will change the outcome, but if you don't say something, you'll regret it. You'll know the moment. I know you will, because I remember that moment. I knew that moment at the time it happened. And I do regret it.

You'll make some questionable decisions (I had no idea we could drink that much tequila in one sitting...), but the result will be the conception of your son. Even though you've always hated kids, you will adore your son. He will change your life profoundly for the good. But, when his father leaves you? Be grateful. Be grateful and let him go. He is not the man you thought he was and both of you are better off without him. You will realize a lot of things after he's gone. Try not to feel too bad about yourself. Some of those decisions were "stupid." But without them, you wouldn't have your son. & he is worth it. I promise.

Above all, don't be ashamed of yourself. You've worked hard and are a good person. Don't let anyone shortchange you. You will find love. It will be a lot of hard work, as real love always is, but you will find it. Learn to love yourself first. Don't be afraid of yourself. Whenever shit hits the fan, you always figure it out. You are a strong woman.

Oh, and also? Join a class or something. We need exercise & it's easier to start habits before you have so many responsibilities. Dance or yoga or something. Just do something. We're feeling old & tired on this end...

Another Terrific Tuesday

I'm trying to stick to the theme I created for myself last week with the "Terrific Tuesday" post. I have not posted in several days & I'm starting to feel blogger guilt. My apologies to my 4 readers for not keeping you better entertained.

So, without further adieu, here is my Terrific Tuesday list for this week...

Today, I am terrifically tickled that:
1. I have been too busy to give in to my hormonal desire to eat everything.

2. I have only been slightly psycho due to the aforementioned hormones.

3. I have only started off 1 day this week by picking a fight with my husband (see above, re: hormones).

4. the bee my stepdaughter sat on tonight was prevented by her dress from actually leaving the stinger in her butt for us to retrieve.

5. so far, the dog has only crapped once in the house today.

6. the dog may or may not have the same reaction to ingesting massive amounts of fiber that humans do (I guess we'll see about that one tomorrow...).

7. my babysitter did agree to watch my stepdaughter on Friday so I can take her to back to the doctor's office to return the toy she stole.

8. the useless doctor's visit this morning made me miss the blissful traffic experience resulting from the overturned garbage truck on 95.

9. I was not the one being searched by 4 highway patrol officers on the side of the highway tonight.

10. I was only trapped in 2 of the 3 bathrooms with no toilet paper in the last week. Bathroom #3 went to my stepdaughter.

So, there it is...glass is half-full for one day...and, if we want to consider it half-full of wine, I'm going to go ahead & just take care of that...

I want you back!

4.) Write a letter to whatever is stopping you from losing the extra weight you’d like to lose.

Dear Spare Time,

I have to tell you that I really miss you. It seems like we only see each other when I'm hanging out with Exhaustion. I mean, we used to be so close. We'd watch movies together, write poetry together, go to concerts... Remember, we'd exercise together! And especially those dance classes we used to take together.

I take my fair share of the blame for our current situation. I know that once Boo was born, I just didn't have time for you the way I used to. Really, it wasn't personal. I just needed time with my son.

I know that I've been spending a lot of time with School, and I know what you might be thinking, but really, the time School and I spend together, is nothing like the time you & I spent together.

I know that you've seen Hub and Princess around, too. But they're cool, and I think you'd enjoy hanging out with all of us. It does seem as if you don't like Boo & Princess, but they're my kids, so I do wish you'd try. Even if it's just for old time's sake.

Look, having Boo has left me with like 40 extra pounds that were never around when you & I hung out. I miss our time together & I miss how fit I used to feel when you were around.

Please, I miss you, Spare Time. Just try to get used to Boo & Princess. Maybe we could take walks together again. Or maybe take that dance class we used to like so much. I know I've neglected you the past few years, and really, I feel terrible about that. But it would mean so much to me if you'd come back.

With love,
Mrs. B.

A Terrific Tuesday!

I'm trying to structure my blog a bit. I've discovered that if I have an idea or theme to work around, I am not only more likely to blog, but it is more thought-provoking & therapeutic for me. Which is the whole point of doing this thing. Not for all of 10 you raging fans. ;o)

Today's topic, which may or may not stick for Tuesday depending on how I like it (i.e. depending on how long it takes me to run out of ideas for it). But today will be a simple listing of all the terrific things I am terrifically tickled about today.

I am terrifically tickled that:
1. when my Hub could not sleep last night due to his vicious sunburn, he did finally leave our bedroom at 3:00 am to allow me 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

2. I survived the mild heart attack I had upon his return 20 minutes later to retrieve the dog from our bedroom.

3. when the paper butt protector stuck to my leg in the bathroom this afternoon, it did not drip toilet water and pee down my leg.

4. my stepdaughter, after having a whiny fit this morning, slept through the hour of heinous traffic I had to battle to drop her off at the babysitter's.

5. I then got to leave my babysitter's & come to work as she (my stepdaughter) started whining again.

6. my babysitter was not wearing a low-cut dress sans bra again forcing me to witness her saggy cleavage today.

7. the body odor smell in my general area is not me.

8. I have felt like an insensitive ass on only 1 other person's blog today.

9. Despite the high heat and humidity, I have enough clean pants to last the rest of the week so I do not have to shave my legs.

10. since my Hub does not feel well, he will not notice the prickly legs for a couple days.

See, I can be a glass half-full kinda girl!

10 commandments of childhood

Part of my reading today included a fun post on Scary Mommy's page about the 10 Commandments of Motherhood. This got me thinking about the 10 Commandments of Childhood. Sort of a guide for babies.

1. Mommies like to take care of us any time. Try crying at 3 am and then at 4:15 am, they will come at any hour! I think they like unpredictable variety.

2. Mommy clothes are specifically designed to absorb any bodily fluid you can manage. This works especially well for spit up - & boys, try for the surprise pee stream if you really want to see what the cloth can handle! Best attempted first thing in the morning when the clothes are fresh & mommy's reflexes are slow.

3. Mommies like to try making new foods. They will get bored if you like the same food for too long. If you have been faithfully eating hot dogs, completely refuse them from this moment forward. It will give mommy a chance to try something new.

4. Pooping is fun to do in new and unusual situations. Try it when you're out with mommy while she's grocery shopping or out at a park. Anyplace were there aren't the usual changing table amenities. You'll be amazed at how your mommy can contort herself to get your diaper changed without letting you touch anything.

5. Naked time is awesome time! Be sure to show everyone you meet how well you've mastered naked time. It will really make an impression on new people. They will be really amazed at how quickly and efficiently you can get your own diaper or pants off.

6. Mommies like to feel needed. Be sure to cry hysterically and cling ferociously to them whenever they drop you off anywhere. You don't want them to think you won't miss them, despite the fact that you're about to have a BLAST the whole time they're gone.

7. Your very own body provides amazing stuff to play with! Watch how things change colors when you slobber on them. And your diaper or pullup is loaded with stuff that you can paint your bed & walls with. It's so much fun! Don't worry, it's washable.

8. Don't worry, the house is totally safe! Feel free to climb up on whatever you want. Pull on things, push stuff, climb stuff. Sometimes they make neat sounds like Crash! and Crack! and Bam!. And sometimes, mommy will get really excited about what you're doing & come running over really fast!

9. If you can pick it up, you can put it in your mouth. Pick up whatever might be laying around and chew on it. There's all kinds of fun stuff, crunchy stuff, squishy stuff, stuff with legs. Explore! It'll probably help your teeth to stop hurting.

10. Daddy won't do it right. Whatever you need, mommy will do it better, so be sure to scream until she comes. If daddy tries to get you dressed, make sure he can't catch any limbs. If he tries to change your diaper, get some poo on him, then scream. Wait for mommy.