An Open Letter to the Evil Head Cold From Hell

Dear Evil Head Cold From Hell (EHCFH),

Your Christmas arrival was most unwelcome. The fact that you keep finding new and inventive ways to torment me? Also very unwelcome. You & I need to part ways, EHCFH, because this is just not working out between us.

In fact? You're just pissing me off at this point.

First? There was the scratchy throat. Yeah, ok. Not impressed. It's the end of December. With the cold, dry weather? A scratchy throat is basically par for the course. Moving on.

Next? It was a runny nose. Pfft. Whatever. Bring it, EHCFH. I've got soft name brand tissues that I bought when your cousin Evil Allergy Attack From Hell visited for Thanksgiving.

Then came the stuffiness. Ok. Fair play EHCFH. Fair play. You're not playing around at being some kind of minor inconvenience are you? Ok...that's fine. I'll just root around in my nightstand and viola! Astrogl--no wait, that's not what I wanted....um....Viola! Nasal spray. Ha. I will be able to breathe, at least while I sleep. And only for 3 days because of that whole rebound thingy...but dammit, I will breathe for those 3 nights! HA!

And this, dear EHCFH, is where you got crafty. You pulled the symptom troops back a bit. You let me think I was defeating you. I fully believed I was well on the road to recovery.

Then? The sore throat came back. With a vengeance. And hung around for nearly a week. WTF EHCFH? Did you juice up the sore throat on steroids or something, because it was not that strong before. Breathing hurt. Swallowing hurt. There was no sleeping with that sore throat around. And no matter how many fluids, hot teas, and steamy showers I threw at it? I couldn't soothe the bastard.

Damn if my kidneys aren't sparkly clean tho.

Ahem.

And what is with all this mucus?? I mean really. Is this much lubrication ever really necessary?? My membranes are moist enough, thank you very much. I have been coughing like I've been smoking 4 packs a day for the last 52 years. And that is so not sexy.

And now? That I'm into week THREE of this skirmish? I'm coughing constantly...all day and all night...because of the stupid tickle you've strategically placed in my throat. Not coughing anything up...just coughing.

Did I mention all the sleep deprivation? I haven't slept properly in over a week. I know I've been posting all this chatter about having another baby, and it could be argued that you're giving me a taste of what it will be like to have a newborn (since the sleeplessness and exhaustion associated with newborns are currently relegated to Denial Utopia)...But I heartily believe that pretty much any newborn I produce will be way cuter than you, EHCFH. Way cuter. And cute? Will make a lot of annoyances more bearable.

Oh, yeah. And you've made sure I've been deprived of sex, too. For some reason Hub doesn't find the mucusy, hacking, grouchy version of me as attractive as the normal grouchy version of me. Not cool, EHCFH.

And the final indignity of it all? I'm now forced to go to the mall (shudder) to obtain some eucalyptus oil for my vaporizer. I am determined to sleep for a whole night without a coughing fit every 2 hours. I'd also like to sleep in my own bed for a whole night and not be driven to the couch from guilt that my hacking is preventing Hub from sleeping.

I will get you, EHCFH. Make no mistake. You're wearing me down. I'm sleep-deprived, sex-deprived, and hacking...but I get to be a crazy bitch after a while. And this crazy bitch? Is coming after your ass, EHCFH.

You have been warned.




....and failing that? This crazy bitch might go to the doctor and get some drugs....