Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The pain of forgiveness

What is the truth of forgiveness?

I do not believe in forgive and forget.

If you forget what you have forgiven, does that not diminish the forgiveness?

If you forget what you have forgiven, how can you take meaning from what happened? How can you protect yourself in the future?

Forgiveness means scars. It means accepting those scars, that they are there. That there was pain in their acquisition. Pain that changes what was there before.

Sometimes the scars are obvious and ugly. Blistered and twisted like a burn on the soul.

Sometimes the scars are legion, making their wearers unrecognizable. Only a shadow of what could've been hidden behind hash marks of pain.

Sometimes the scars are deep and hidden away. These are mine. Stowed away in the darkest night of my soul.

With the years of childhood I don't remember. With the feelings of helplessness. The sadness. The betrayal. With the mask I wore to hide the real from everyone around me. Because those things doesn't happen in good families.

Sometimes the wind of memory blows the curtain aside and the scars are exposed. I want to look away as disgust crawls over my skin like a swarm of insects scurrying from the disturbance. The ghosts of the past steal my breath. Cloud my mind. Bind my feet. My soul screams for it to stop. As my mouth remains silent. As it always did. Ashamed. Confused.

Then I pull the curtain closed. I take my mind somewhere safe and quiet. There is no need to revisit them more often than necessary. Those scars will live with me forever.

I keep them safely tucked away. Hidden from prying eyes. In the cold. In the dark. In a place where scars should never be. I keep them in the same way they were made.

I acknowledge them. The one who gave them to me. And I know that I am who I am because of those scars. Because of that pain.

The value of that strength? Has outweighed the anger from the pain.

For me, this is forgiveness.

21 comments:

  1. I couldn't agree more, and I thought you expressed it very well. You wrote this in a very raw and jagged voice, I thought, which made the concept of forgiveness even more powerful. Bravo!

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  2. Beautifully written.. but sooo very sad. I agree, forgive and forget is not something I believe in either.
    So excited to see twice in one day! :)

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  3. I think forgiving and forgetting need to stop being paired together. You are right in that. I wished you'd gotten more specific. I could tell someone had hurt you deeply but you wrote about it vaguely.

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  4. It is a phrase that I have always found really annoying...the forgive & forget, I mean. Some things can't be forgotten...& some things just shouldn't be.

    I purposely did not get specific. These scars did hurt me deeply, but they no longer define me. Also, I don't really want to be identified as a "survivor" of anything. It's something I don't really want to talk openly about at this time. For a number of reasons. It made this prompt challenging.

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  5. Thanks. :) I had a couple of things to say today...but not really at the same time. LoL

    This post? Was kinda tough.

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  6. Thank you. :) It appears that it came across about how it feels. So I did what I was trying to.

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  7. I think forgiveness is really for you, not for the other person.

    And forgetting? Is unsafe.

    Just my two cents.

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  8. Wow, this brought tears to my eyes.

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  9. I think you're absolutely right. On both points.

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  10. Ah, me too. In order for me to write like this? I have to really be in the moment & write what I see & feel. It seems to come out well...but it takes a lot out of me. :) ...maybe I should write about happier stuff...LoL

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  11. You described it so well. People who haven't been there don't get it. Just because you forgive doesn't mean you forget. You are forever altered by that experience.

    Great use of the writing prompt.

    Stopping by from TRDC

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  12. "Forgiveness means scars...That there was pain in their acquisition. Pain that changes what was there before."

    Very powerful.

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  13. This post is deep and dark, painful and poetic. All that process is really.

    Lines like this: "Sometimes the scars are deep and hidden away. These are mine. Stowed away in the darkest night of my soul." literally took my breath away.

    I understand darkness. I'm thankful for the transparency that I read here today. It can't have been easy to write.

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  14. very well written.
    A post like this makes the reader think.
    I like a piece like that.

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  15. This is a very powerful, emotional piece. I'm amazed at your courage and strength. Wow.

    This paragraph really worked for me:

    Sometimes the wind of memory blows the curtain aside and the scars are exposed. I want to look away as disgust crawls over my skin like a swarm of insects scurrying from the disturbance. The ghosts of the past steal my breath. Cloud my mind. Bind my feet. My soul screams for it to stop. As my mouth remains silent. As it always did. Ashamed. Confused.

    It's so vivid. Very well written.

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  16. Wow. You are one strong woman!

    This paragraph just kills me: "Sometimes the wind of memory blows the curtain aside and the scars are exposed. I want to look away as disgust crawls over my skin like a swarm of insects scurrying from the disturbance. The ghosts of the past steal my breath. Cloud my mind. Bind my feet. My soul screams for it to stop. As my mouth remains silent. As it always did. Ashamed. Confused."

    Damn that curtain!

    I love how you define forgiveness in the end. So different yet so powerful.

    Thank you for your kind words on my blog post today! I'm wishing the very best for you! <3

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  17. You have some really powerful imagery here to describe your memories and experiences. Really great. I think the beginning part of this piece might have worked better toward the middle or end. But your descriptive powers are awesome.

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  18. I really like this post. I agree, scars...or rather what left those scars...is what shaped us. To hold a grudge for that is like hating ourselves. Forgiveness and acceptance...and then love is the only way to go to be happy.

    You write this with such strength.

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  19. I read once that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person gets hurt. And your conclusion is so eloquent.

    And trust me - my wife has forgiven the things I've done, but good lord that woman will never forget :-P

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  20. powerful. and so many quotable lines. *HUG* you ARE strong.

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  21. oh girl. such a definition.

    forgiveness means so many different things, to each person. love this.

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