I am woman...Raaarrrrr!

So, it's been a week since my metabolism condemnation post.

Just so you know? I have not forgiven my metabolism. In fact? I'm going after it.

Hey, I gave it fair warning when I flipped it off on friday.

Seriously? I'm going to kick its ass. It has straight pissed me off.

My strategy? Is to wear it down. I've gotten some advice from some friends who are more well-versed in the whole "healthy" thing, including Kristin from Peace, love, & muesli. Might I add that she has been a fantabulous encouragement.

So, utilizing advice both from Kristin as well as my in-training life coach (who is actually my ex-husband's new wife...my life is weird like that...), I have made a few adjustments.

1. I've been going to the gym. And surprisingly? I don't hate it like I used to. Perhaps I appreciate the "me" time now that I'm a mommy. I'm pleased to say that I did not keel over & die. I was a little worried tho. As an added bonus, I feel all accomplished and, well, Raaarrr! when I'm done.

2. I'm trying to drink more water. It's safe to say I do not drink enough. I've been told that the water in tea & coffee don't really count. Also the lemon I bought to make water more drinkable? Is apparently very good for detoxifying, according to my life coach...who heard it from a body-builder guy she works with. It does make the water more tasty and it makes my sink smell nice when I grind the peel in the garbage disposal. So yeah.

3. I'm working to add higher protein snacks to keep me from being hungry during the day. I bough some raw almonds & I also have some nifty Kashi crackers that are awaiting a hummus purchase. Kristin also gave me a link to some recipes that I'm working up to trying.

4. I bought some extra-dark chocolate squares to help curb my sweet cravings without being too obscene with the sugar. I have to say, tho, that the 86% cacao? is kinda gross on its own. I had to eat something else to kill the bitter aftertaste. 72% is perfect. And now? 60% is downright sweet to me. Usually 1 chocolate square gets me my fix & I can go about my day (serving size is 4, btw).

Honestly? I hope the metabolism gets the message. I really don't want to have to go all Rambo on it. No, really, I don't. There's only so much life-change I can do at one time. While I am working hard? I'm inherently a little lazy & I don't want to have to raise the bar too high, because frankly? I don't know if I can sustain too much change.

My goal here, is not only to lose 40-50 lbs of baby weight, but also to feel better.

I admit, I do feel better. I have a lot of pride in myself that I have made these changes, stuck to them, and kept plowing along even tho I've been discouraged. I'm trying to make this goal realistic tho. I'm not willing to nibble lettuce leaves for the rest of my life so I can be skinny. I might be skinny, but I'd be a huge bitch.

Trust me on this.

I believe food is to be enjoyed. I just need to moderate some things & find some healthier alternatives that also bring me joy. I will eat pizza in my life. I will eat the occasional baked good.

The occasional french fry? I'm a good girl in that regard...I'll get the fruit side for me.

...BUT....

I feel that if I purchase the food? & not only did I purchase the food, but I was a good girl & got the "healthy" side? I'm entitled to any "bag fries" that might jump out of my husband's fry container during transit. Those 3 or 4 fries? Are the best. fries. ever.

And no, I don't "accidentally" dump out half of his fries into the bag. Really. Seriously, I don't....

And my reward?

Last Wednesday I was hovering at 203-204.

As of this morning? I'm hovering at 200.

And that makes me happy.

Plus? Once I get to 190? I get to treat myself to a new handbag. :)

I've had enough now

So, I got pregnant in 2005. I got ditched by his father (best thing he could've done for his son). But, I was unprepared to have a baby. I was broke. So? I did what responsible people do...I got a 2nd job to save up money. Being pregnant & working 2 jobs? Sucked. But, I can honestly say that Starbucks was the least horrible food-related job I've ever had.

Anyway, because of all this, I had zero time to take care of myself. I got home from Starbucks late every night & I had a corporate job to go to in the morning. I didn't sleep enough, I didn't exercise, and I didn't have time to cook. This equals picking up food in the "food court" near the Starbucks. Which in turn equaled too much weight gain.

I started out at 5'8" & 145 lbs (I'm built curvy, so I looked *good* at this weight). When I delivered? Still 5'8", but 220 lbs. I had a naggy OBGYN who continually chastised me for gaining so much weight. Which just made me feel worse.

(ADD moment - why do doctors always do this? Like I don't know I'm overweight? It's like telling smokers that smoking is bad for them. Um, duh. I don't need a mommy/daddy figure nagging me to lose weight. Shut up. Moving on...)

That was the biggest I had ever been. I was not happy about it, but I was distracted with other things...like parenthood. I lost about 30lbs while I was breastfeeding, but when he weaned himself at 9 months and we started the "cross-country move" process, about 10-15 of those pounds came back. I now sit at 200 even. And I am freaking the hell out.

But why? I know women who solidly outweigh me that think, no, they know they are fucking hot. So. I need an attitude adjustment. And some lifestyle change.

I have tried several times to lose more of the baby weight. The last time I tried? I managed about 2 months of solid exercise & eating better. No weight lost. Zero. Then came the morning I woke up & my knee wouldn't straighten. That lasted 2 weeks & required an orthopedist to fix.

(ADD moment #2/PSA moment #1 - when the doctor asks the nurse to come hold your hand while he injects the numbing agent into your joint? This means the experience will be highly unpleasant. Adding fluid to joints feels yucky.)

After that, I was really depressed. Partly because I'd lost my routine (which is critical for me to do anything) but mostly because I'd put SO much effort into losing weight and saw nothing for it. No weight loss. No improved wardrobe fit. Nada. And as an added bonus, I got a rather unpleasant couple of weeks of no walking plus the fear of doing the whole knee experience again.

Now, I miss my knees working without hurting. I miss the weeks or even months between the spasm attacks my back wages on me. I'm tired of seeing flabby thighs and the belly that was never there before and the back fat. God I hate back fat.

I am making some lifestyle changes. I'm starting with an attitude adjustment. No more looking at myself & telling myself I hate me. No more hating my body. Changing my body requires that I take care of it, not hate it.

I'm also going to make some different choices, with eating & with exercise. I would love to join the Running Between Tweets group, but I've never run before & when I tried to start? I woke up with a knee that wouldn't straighten for two weeks.

So, I'm going to start slow. Just going to add a little activity & some more careful food choices.

But? I'm terrified that I'm going to end up where I have so many times before - injured & still 200lbs.