My skin is entirely too thin. I know this. My Hub will tell you this. Other people who know me will look nonchalant as they try to nod inconspicuously so they don't hurt my feelings with their vigorous agreement. I take things personally that were not meant for me. It drives my husband nuts. It drives me nuts.
My whole morning got off to a down start because someone said something that could technically be applied to me...but in all probability had nothing to do with me whatsoever. I don't think I register high enough on this person's radar to even be in mind when the comment was made. But? It still bummed me out. What the comment was about? Was something I enjoy. Something that is good for me and makes me happy.
So why do I care what other people think? Honestly? I don't know. On the whole, I like myself and am proud of the things I enjoy. Why would I let someone else bring me down? Why do I let Hub's simple questions/comments turn into a personal attack?
Hub & I had an entire "agitated discussion" because I asked him to text me after he got Boo dropped off at preschool one morning. We were only a couple days into the whole preschool thing, everyone was still adjusting, & I wanted to make sure that the daddy drop-off procedure went ok.
I may be a little overprotective. Possibly.
Hub commented that he would try to remember, but if he forgot until he was driving? Just to let me know? He's not going to text me while driving.
Um, Duh.
Why would he say that? Was he implying that I expected him to do that? Does he think that I expect him to text me immediately upon remembering under any circumstances? Why would he think I had the expectation that he should do something blatantly unsafe? I was rather offended that he thought this statement even needed to be made.
It's possible I read too much into things at times. Maybe.
I think it comes down to me being insecure. I think because I was raised by a person who did use "simple" questions as a personal attack and who thought nothing of routinely killing my darlings because she thought they were stupid. Or perhaps because she thought I was stupid.
How long does it take to let go of a conditioned mindset? Yeah, I had 19 years of conditioning, but clearly? My mother was not, and likely is not, a happy person. I would not consider her life a "success." So why do I give a damn what she thought?
Because she is my mother.
At some point? I want to let it go. I want to go about my day and not have my feelings hurt by offhand comments that have nothing to do with me. Even if they could be applied to me? Who cares? Am I happy? Am I doing what's right? Can I look my family in the eyes & be proud of who I am & how I treat them? Am I content that they know I love them? Am I content knowing they love me?
Yes?
Then fuck what anyone else thinks.
I'm exactly the same way... I have a very tough exterior but my insides are mush. It drives me crazy and my husband too!! I'm over sensitive sometimes and I hate it. You are not alone, my blog friend.
ReplyDeleteI think we take what others say about us (or even imply) so seriously because their opinion matters to us for some reason. It's really as simple and as complicated as that. We want to appear a certain way to those around us...stronger, better, wiser. And sometimes it just doesn't matter what others say or think about us. It's what we think about ourselves and how we conduct ourselves on a day to day basis that truly matters.
You just gotta let it flow.
Easier said than done, I know!
It is tough to let go of childhood insecurities. That child inside of us still needs a lot of nurturing, even as adults. My grandmother was very critical of me when I was growing up, which has in turn, sometimes made me very critical of those closest to me, like my husband. I also grew up very insecure because of all her backhanded comments. I went to therapy for a year and worked out a lot of it, but aspects of it still haunt me. I'm sorry you have to go through this haunting of your past so often. Just remember - what was said to you as a child has nothing to do with who you actually are. Negative comments are usually made by an unhappy person with an agenda. You are truly perfect, just the way you are.
ReplyDeleteEleanor Roosevelt said "Nobody can make you feel
ReplyDeleteinferior without your consent!" It's something
to think about!!
Having a mother, whose sole job, is to nurture
and protect us from pain and, is the person inflicting the pain...is not a good start in life
but, at least you know of the origin.
So, "DON'T LET ANYBODY RAIN ON YOUR PARADE"
ever again!!
Brunch101
I think you are brave to even address this, and to share it with everybody. My dad sounds very similar to your mother, so I can empathize with a lot of what you are saying. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteugh, I know what you mean. Being called stupid so young really does a number on a person - no matter how much they accomplish later in life. Just keep in mind that your husband? Is NOT your mother.
ReplyDeleteAlso? He may just be watching too much Oprah. That woman is getting SCARY about her "no texting while driving" campaign.
I no longer have this issue, but I know where you are coming from. What has always worked for me? Is to say what I am thinking right out loud in the moment that I am thinking it.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I realize how stupid it sounds. And the other party to the conversation assures me that they did not mean what I thought they meant. And we all move on.
I am older now, and honestly? I no longer care what anyone has to say about me.
But there was a time when I cared too much.
So I know who you are.
It's painful.
I am pretty thin skinned too. I read into everything, I try not too...but it's hard. My grandparents sound a great deal like your mother. It's tough to put into action that it is about her and not you.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite phrase my mom taught me about my grandmother was "it's not my business" She would be all crazy about something and my mom would just say "that's her. It's not my business."
As for the preschool bit? Hell yeah I would ahve made TOTT text me! (not while driving obs, but overprotective? I don't think so. I think you're a good mom whose kid has just started pre-school.
My father and husband were both raised by women like your mom and they both still struggle with it. It's unbelievably tough to overcome. You're doing great.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the comments. :) I wish I could reply individually. :|
ReplyDeleteA few surprised me & it's nice to know that I'm not alone with this. Sometimes my ability to read into things is handy, other times it just makes my husband give me that "This woman is crazy..." look. It's gotten better as I've aged, but it's still a work in progress.
I don't know how old you are, but I used to be pretty thin skinned too and aroud 30 for some reason I just didn't care so much and "fuck it" was a heck of a lot more fun.
ReplyDelete