Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror & wonder how you got where you are? Are you like me in the sense that when you do look in the mirror you see many versions of you looking back? I don't mean this in the multiple personality disorder I-hear-voices sense. More like I see the different aspects of my personality that has evolved over the years - how I have been segmented & segregated to accommodate all these nifty roles I get to play.
I think my husband sees the most authentic me. I can swear in front of him. I take a certain degree of pleasure in being able to drop a few F bombs in casual conversation after penning them up all day. I can still be the foul-mouthed, pierced, tattooed metal bitch that I am on the inside in front of him. Add a few drinks to that equation and...well...nevermind.
My kids get the PG version of me. I will never pretend to be something I'm not for them (ok, other than the hastily swabbed & sloppily sterilized vocabulary). They see me as I am, with all my struggles and flaws, because I want them to understand that I am human and that it does take work to be who you want to be and where you want to be. Besides, I want for them to love me for the real me & not some character version of a "perfect" mom.
Most everyone else, they don't see me much. I might let slip that story about when I dyed my hair blue...or the debacle of when I dyed it black...& I get big, wide eyes looking back at me. I chuckle at someone's 4:20 joke & again, get the big, wide eyes-o-disbelief. In a way, it's kind of fun playing the role of tasteful, conservative grown up (my job sort of demands this...I work in a conservative field) & knowing what I know about the real me. But, sometimes, I miss being the real me. I miss being able to dress & dye the way I want to. I have to make the choice between keeping that me on the inside and making money...or letting me out & vastly limiting my options.
But thankfully, I can still see me. Sometimes I still sneak out to the outside...but you have to look closely, or you might miss it...
I was just thinking that today, when one of my all time favorite songs came on the radio. I cranked up the volume and just stepped on the gas down the country road here.
ReplyDeleteWho knows the real us? Only ourselves.
So, in that case, I was glad to be alone when "sympathy for the devil" came on.
My kids would never understand...
So funny, I was thinking about all the different version of myself that I had recently too. Mommyhood changes everything, doesn't it?
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