A Letter to Myself

Dear Mrs B. (formerly Miss W.),

When I talk to myself, it's usually in real-time. So this opportunity to talk to myself in retrospect is an unusual one. I've thought long and hard about what to say to myself. I'm torn about what to say. I believe that a person has to go through what they go through to get where they need to go & be who they are. I wouldn't be who I am now without going through what I did to get here. Despite some of the tough stuff we've gone through, I'm happy where we ended up & I don't want to change that; however, I'll give us some things to think about.

Don't be afraid to say no. Don't be afraid to say you don't like something, that something isn't right, or something makes you angry. It might make someone mad for a time, but you've dealt with that before. Mad doesn't last forever, & you might save yourself some bad experiences that will haunt you the rest of your life.

Don't be afraid to be different. You wouldn't enjoy being a popular girl anyway, so enjoy who you are instead of being ashamed of it. You can't change it anyway, so embrace it. To hell with what other people think. You'll see in time that being unique is more fun than conforming anyway. Besides, you should enjoy things like dyeing your hair blue while you can. Eventually you'll have to "conform," at least outwardly, in order to get a good paying job, so have fun with it now, when it doesn't matter!

Don't worry so much about boys. Worrying about it makes you less attractive anyway. Enjoy yourself and the boys worth having will find their way to you.

Sex is overrated until you're at least into your 20s. No one knows what they're doing when they're 17 anyway, so don't stress about it. Also, there are many guys out there who will say anything to get you to give it up. Anything. Many of them are full of shit. Keep this in mind. Really.

Marriage? It doesn't change your relationship. If you have problems before you get married, nothing changes when you get married but your name & that breaking up becomes a legal hassle instead of just an emotional/logistical hassle. Think long & hard on this one. Be sure you're ready.

Oh, and about college? Any degree is better than no degree. There will come a point when you will need to have a degree. A bachelors in remedial underwater basket weaving is better than no degree at all. Are you getting this?? $11 an hour seems good when you have no bills, but when you have real bills? It's crap. You will not be happy doing data entry for the government forever. It would be easier to finish college before you get married & have kids.

And by the way? Since you have no real bills & have all that "extra" money? SAVE IT. DEBT SUCKS. Just something to think about...

That boy with the beautiful eyes? There will come a day when you will have a feeling that time is running out. Say something to him while you have the chance. I don't think it will change the outcome, but if you don't say something, you'll regret it. You'll know the moment. I know you will, because I remember that moment. I knew that moment at the time it happened. And I do regret it.

You'll make some questionable decisions (I had no idea we could drink that much tequila in one sitting...), but the result will be the conception of your son. Even though you've always hated kids, you will adore your son. He will change your life profoundly for the good. But, when his father leaves you? Be grateful. Be grateful and let him go. He is not the man you thought he was and both of you are better off without him. You will realize a lot of things after he's gone. Try not to feel too bad about yourself. Some of those decisions were "stupid." But without them, you wouldn't have your son. & he is worth it. I promise.

Above all, don't be ashamed of yourself. You've worked hard and are a good person. Don't let anyone shortchange you. You will find love. It will be a lot of hard work, as real love always is, but you will find it. Learn to love yourself first. Don't be afraid of yourself. Whenever shit hits the fan, you always figure it out. You are a strong woman.

Oh, and also? Join a class or something. We need exercise & it's easier to start habits before you have so many responsibilities. Dance or yoga or something. Just do something. We're feeling old & tired on this end...

Another Terrific Tuesday

I'm trying to stick to the theme I created for myself last week with the "Terrific Tuesday" post. I have not posted in several days & I'm starting to feel blogger guilt. My apologies to my 4 readers for not keeping you better entertained.

So, without further adieu, here is my Terrific Tuesday list for this week...

Today, I am terrifically tickled that:
1. I have been too busy to give in to my hormonal desire to eat everything.

2. I have only been slightly psycho due to the aforementioned hormones.

3. I have only started off 1 day this week by picking a fight with my husband (see above, re: hormones).

4. the bee my stepdaughter sat on tonight was prevented by her dress from actually leaving the stinger in her butt for us to retrieve.

5. so far, the dog has only crapped once in the house today.

6. the dog may or may not have the same reaction to ingesting massive amounts of fiber that humans do (I guess we'll see about that one tomorrow...).

7. my babysitter did agree to watch my stepdaughter on Friday so I can take her to back to the doctor's office to return the toy she stole.

8. the useless doctor's visit this morning made me miss the blissful traffic experience resulting from the overturned garbage truck on 95.

9. I was not the one being searched by 4 highway patrol officers on the side of the highway tonight.

10. I was only trapped in 2 of the 3 bathrooms with no toilet paper in the last week. Bathroom #3 went to my stepdaughter.

So, there it is...glass is half-full for one day...and, if we want to consider it half-full of wine, I'm going to go ahead & just take care of that...

I want you back!

4.) Write a letter to whatever is stopping you from losing the extra weight you’d like to lose.

Dear Spare Time,

I have to tell you that I really miss you. It seems like we only see each other when I'm hanging out with Exhaustion. I mean, we used to be so close. We'd watch movies together, write poetry together, go to concerts... Remember, we'd exercise together! And especially those dance classes we used to take together.

I take my fair share of the blame for our current situation. I know that once Boo was born, I just didn't have time for you the way I used to. Really, it wasn't personal. I just needed time with my son.

I know that I've been spending a lot of time with School, and I know what you might be thinking, but really, the time School and I spend together, is nothing like the time you & I spent together.

I know that you've seen Hub and Princess around, too. But they're cool, and I think you'd enjoy hanging out with all of us. It does seem as if you don't like Boo & Princess, but they're my kids, so I do wish you'd try. Even if it's just for old time's sake.

Look, having Boo has left me with like 40 extra pounds that were never around when you & I hung out. I miss our time together & I miss how fit I used to feel when you were around.

Please, I miss you, Spare Time. Just try to get used to Boo & Princess. Maybe we could take walks together again. Or maybe take that dance class we used to like so much. I know I've neglected you the past few years, and really, I feel terrible about that. But it would mean so much to me if you'd come back.

With love,
Mrs. B.

A Terrific Tuesday!

I'm trying to structure my blog a bit. I've discovered that if I have an idea or theme to work around, I am not only more likely to blog, but it is more thought-provoking & therapeutic for me. Which is the whole point of doing this thing. Not for all of 10 you raging fans. ;o)

Today's topic, which may or may not stick for Tuesday depending on how I like it (i.e. depending on how long it takes me to run out of ideas for it). But today will be a simple listing of all the terrific things I am terrifically tickled about today.

I am terrifically tickled that:
1. when my Hub could not sleep last night due to his vicious sunburn, he did finally leave our bedroom at 3:00 am to allow me 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

2. I survived the mild heart attack I had upon his return 20 minutes later to retrieve the dog from our bedroom.

3. when the paper butt protector stuck to my leg in the bathroom this afternoon, it did not drip toilet water and pee down my leg.

4. my stepdaughter, after having a whiny fit this morning, slept through the hour of heinous traffic I had to battle to drop her off at the babysitter's.

5. I then got to leave my babysitter's & come to work as she (my stepdaughter) started whining again.

6. my babysitter was not wearing a low-cut dress sans bra again forcing me to witness her saggy cleavage today.

7. the body odor smell in my general area is not me.

8. I have felt like an insensitive ass on only 1 other person's blog today.

9. Despite the high heat and humidity, I have enough clean pants to last the rest of the week so I do not have to shave my legs.

10. since my Hub does not feel well, he will not notice the prickly legs for a couple days.

See, I can be a glass half-full kinda girl!

10 commandments of childhood

Part of my reading today included a fun post on Scary Mommy's page about the 10 Commandments of Motherhood. This got me thinking about the 10 Commandments of Childhood. Sort of a guide for babies.

1. Mommies like to take care of us any time. Try crying at 3 am and then at 4:15 am, they will come at any hour! I think they like unpredictable variety.

2. Mommy clothes are specifically designed to absorb any bodily fluid you can manage. This works especially well for spit up - & boys, try for the surprise pee stream if you really want to see what the cloth can handle! Best attempted first thing in the morning when the clothes are fresh & mommy's reflexes are slow.

3. Mommies like to try making new foods. They will get bored if you like the same food for too long. If you have been faithfully eating hot dogs, completely refuse them from this moment forward. It will give mommy a chance to try something new.

4. Pooping is fun to do in new and unusual situations. Try it when you're out with mommy while she's grocery shopping or out at a park. Anyplace were there aren't the usual changing table amenities. You'll be amazed at how your mommy can contort herself to get your diaper changed without letting you touch anything.

5. Naked time is awesome time! Be sure to show everyone you meet how well you've mastered naked time. It will really make an impression on new people. They will be really amazed at how quickly and efficiently you can get your own diaper or pants off.

6. Mommies like to feel needed. Be sure to cry hysterically and cling ferociously to them whenever they drop you off anywhere. You don't want them to think you won't miss them, despite the fact that you're about to have a BLAST the whole time they're gone.

7. Your very own body provides amazing stuff to play with! Watch how things change colors when you slobber on them. And your diaper or pullup is loaded with stuff that you can paint your bed & walls with. It's so much fun! Don't worry, it's washable.

8. Don't worry, the house is totally safe! Feel free to climb up on whatever you want. Pull on things, push stuff, climb stuff. Sometimes they make neat sounds like Crash! and Crack! and Bam!. And sometimes, mommy will get really excited about what you're doing & come running over really fast!

9. If you can pick it up, you can put it in your mouth. Pick up whatever might be laying around and chew on it. There's all kinds of fun stuff, crunchy stuff, squishy stuff, stuff with legs. Explore! It'll probably help your teeth to stop hurting.

10. Daddy won't do it right. Whatever you need, mommy will do it better, so be sure to scream until she comes. If daddy tries to get you dressed, make sure he can't catch any limbs. If he tries to change your diaper, get some poo on him, then scream. Wait for mommy.

Ode to my Hub

Since today is Father's Day, I want to blog about my husband & his role as the father figure in our household.

If you are familiar with my previous posts, you'll know that my husband and I do not share any biological children at this time. I'm still not sure if we'll try to add another one to our household. We go back & forth about whether or not we want another child...now that we know what's involved in being a parent.

My husband and I have been through a lot together. We met in Arizona (where I am from) while he was going to school finishing his 2nd college degree. I was quite pregnant with my son - about 7 months. I had been recently ditched by my son's father & was *so* not looking for another guy in my life. I was frantically trying to save up money to get prepared for my son's impending arrival. I was scrambling to deal with my situation and was not looking to complicate things further with a relationship.

He saw what I was doing to try to prepare myself to be a mother & took me aside one day to tell me how amazing he thought it was that I was working so hard, all on my own, to be a mother. At that moment, I realized how alone I felt in the whole process, but was really touched that *someone* was impressed by my effort. My family was on the other side of the country, & my 1 close girlfriend had a lot of personal stuff going on & was not able to be there for me the way she would've liked to have been.

After a few conversations, he told me a little about his story. His ex had cheated on him several times (that he knew of). He had been working 2 jobs while going to school full time because she didn't want to work because she was pregnant. I had been working 2 jobs for the majority of my pregnancy, so I had very little sympathy for her. There was no reason she couldn't work, she just didn't want to. She complained that he was never there. One day he came home early without calling first & caught her with his friend. This was the last straw & he sent her back home to her mother and then endured months of emotional warfare. She continued to tell him what a horrible man and father he was for not abandoning school & coming back east to "be a father." He chose to stay and finish his degree. He was more than half way there & if he left, his classes would not transfer (specialty technical school) and he would still be liable for the loans. He struggled with the decision, but felt it would be best for his daughter to finish his education so he could provide a better life for her than being a server for the rest of his life.

Fast forward a year. I agreed to have lunch with him so he could give me some books on parenting. I had made it explicitly clear before I agreed and during our lunch that I was NOT available for dating & was NOT looking for a relationship. We spent the entire day talking. I had to work my 2nd job that night & he came up to visit me on my break. After I was done, we sat in his car and talked for another 3 or 4 hours. After another week or 2 of pretty much constant emailing and conversation, we were dating. So much for my explicit edict that I was not available. :|

He was there for the birth of my son, which was very meaningful for both of us. I expected to be alone and he had been deprived of being there when his daughter was born (his ex was trying to hide from him - he only found out that his daughter had been born because her grandmother called him). When my son was 6 months old, we decided to move in together. When my son was about a year (& some change) old and after several lengthy discussions, we agreed to let my son call him "daddy." He has been the only dad my son has ever known.

We have been through many ups and downs, big fights, a cross-country move, custody battles, and growing as parents and mates. It took over 4 years before I would agree to marry him, but I finally did. We have both worked very hard & grown so much together. I can't even describe how amazing it is to have a partner like him to help me face the challenges, not only of parenthood, but of life as well. I could not ask for a better man to be a daddy to my son.

I love my husband (even during those times when I want to choke him) and am proud to be his wife.

Back in the Budget

Ok, so my son has started preschool this past week. After a little too much complaining from the evil babysitter (who is sorta family. Yippee.), we decided it would be best for my son to be in a less bitchy negative environment. My stepdaughter still has to go for 2 or 3 days a week until she starts kindergarten, which seems unfair but part of the reason we decided to put my son in preschool is because of the ridiculous disparity in treatment between the two kids. If she chooses to treat my stepdaughter as if her poo bears the delightful fragrance of roses., that is fine. But she will not do so while concurrently treating my son as if he is a piece of the offensively scented excrement. The dichotomous bias is not healthy for either to be exposed to.

All of these big words & then I end a sentence in a preposition. I'm blatantly ignoring the sentences beginning with conjunctions. The spelling/grammar snob in me is developing a twitch. Sigh

So, since my stepdaughter will be gone a lot over the summer (due to the custody arrangement), plus she is treated far better, plus she is starting school in 2 months, she periodically remains with the evil babysitter.

Nonetheless, preschool is expensive. Sending my son to preschool has been wonderful for him, but a little painful for us. We're hoping that the painful budget crunch will only be temporary, but we have to plan for the worst so we don't get ourselves in trouble.

That being said, there are a few things that I am fantasizing about adding or returning to the budget if it does expand.

Bikini waxing. This was originally an experiment for my honeymoon. I'd heard good things & figured if I could "man" out the pain, it would be a nice touch for the drunken antics that would be our honeymoon. I have now been to the other side & shaving just doesn't work for me anymore. Razor burn. Itching. Cactus cooch. These are all bad things. My husband didn't fight me on my request to add this to the budget. Apparently, it made an impression on our honeymoon. I'm not sure if I'm happy about this or not, since the budget currently precludes the waxing.

A Swedish massage. I got one as my wedding treat to myself. It was thirty minutes of relaxing heaven. I did this on my lunch break & my coworkers mocked my relaxation upon my return. It was inexpensive, but is not a necessity now, dammit.

A haircut at a real salon. I will not brave the untried cheapies again. I have had my hair butchered one too many times...& I am very low-maintenance when it comes to hair. I just don't want it to suck & piss me off. That is all.

Meat. My husband and I are very into meat. Meat is expensive. I have a small stockpile in the freezer, but it is depleting quickly. It is grilling season & I can actually grill a steak without turning it into shoe leather. Don't ask about that time I tried to make steak in the oven. We do not speak of this.

Organic milk. Yes, I would like to try to eliminate all those nasty chemicals, hormones, and drugs from my kids' diets. But really, I like the organic because it tastes better. At $6 a gallon though, not always in the budget. Same goes for those $5 organic eggs. I want to eat real food, really I do, but real food is expensive, dammit. I exist on Taco Bell food product.

Furniture. We bought our 1st house in August (in which a druggie apparently shot himself - God love neighbors for sharing that unsolicited bit of history) and we have maybe 2 pieces of real furniture. They do not match, so it doesn't look like it was real furniture on purpose, but they do count as furniture items. Regardless, I have piles of towels, bedding, etc. that desperately need an armoire or cedar chest. I have full-on furniture lust. I'd like to feel (and look) like a home-owning grown up as opposed to an apartment-dwelling kid. We will not bring our craptacular mattress that hates my hips and back into the conversation.

A bathroom faucet fixture. Our upstairs bathroom has a crappy pull-on faucet that is far too sticky for our kids to use. They can usually pull it on, but have a very tough time pushing it off. My husband took a cold shower the other week because my stepdaughter had left the faucet on...at least long enough to drain the hot water heater. Did I mention we have well water? We need a better faucet.

So, for the betterment of my son, we've put some things on the back burner. Hopefully, things will turn around a bit soon. I'm tired of being prickly.