Love, Hate, Hope, and Fear.

When I got pregnant with my son, I was terrified. I suppose most people are terrified when they find out they are expecting. But I am an only child with very, very little experience with kids.

Frankly? I didn't like them much. Mostly (I now realize) because I didn't know what the hell to do with them. Imagine someone runs up to you and hands you a koala. They say "Here! This is legally & morally yours! Take care of it!" Do you know anything about marsupial care? Are eucalyptus leaves really the best food for them? And where does one find the best eucalyptus? What do they drink? How do they drink? Can I get a koala bottle at PetsMart? Crap. It is awfully cute tho...

So, I find out I'm going to be a mommy. Surprise! I was terrified that I would not develop that bond with my offspring that mothers are supposed to have. During pregnancy, I did not feel any kind of magical bond with my baby. Most of what I felt was along the lines of "wow, I'm getting fat!" or "Gee, a baby kick feels a lot like gas" or "dammit, quit kicking my bladder."

Not quite the spiritual "mother" experience that I was expecting.

But once I had my son? Things changed. Don't get me wrong, the "what the hell am I doing" part still hasn't gone away (hence the name of my blog...), but that child became my reason for breathing. I discovered a level of love that I did not know existed.

And honestly? It scares the crap out of me to love someone so much.

Despite being a fiercely loving (and perhaps occasionally a smidge overprotective) mama bear, I have kind of a love/hate relationship with being a parent. I considered describing my feelings as bipolar, but I would feel like an ass for doing that after I read Adrienne's excellent points on the subject at No Points for Style .

Me and my stupid principles, anyway.

I love that Boo can always make me feel better. If I stub my toe? He will pet my toe, tell me it's ok, & ask me if it's all better.

I hate that I've had to retrain my truck driver mouth so Boo is not dropping F bombs in preschool. I had a very colorful (and often extremely therapeutic) vocabulary. Commuting without my full vocabulary? Not cool. But, I don't want to get that many phone calls from assorted parents & school administrations. "Mrs. B? About your son...We do not believe 'asshat' is appropriate language in this environment. We have other children to consider. And what exactly is a 'fuckstick?'" These are conversations I don't need to be having.

I love to see him learn and develop new skills.

I hate that with every new skill learned, I have to be on the lookout for the new trouble that he is now capable of causing and/or getting into.

I love that he told me that I have to stay young (he thinks I'm young!!) because if I get old I will die.

I hate that my little guy knows about death and fears my death. Seriously, it made me cry when he said that. Even if he was on the toilet at the time.

I love that he inspires me to be a better and (occasionally) more mature version of myself.

I hate that I have to be mature. I'm not very good at it.

I love that being a parent forces me to really examine and understand my principles.

I hate that my principles won't allow me to be a hypocrite, and I actually have to follow the principles I'm trying to teach him if I expect him to take me seriously.

I love that he comes to snuggle with me when he's hurt or sick.

I hate that he has to be hurt or sick to spend any length of time snuggling with me. When everyone told me to enjoy the infant stage? I should've listened more closely.

I love that I understand him better than anyone else in the world.

I love that seeing him first thing in the morning or when I walk in to preschool at the end of the day never fails to brighten my day.

I love that he will sometimes say "Oh, nice dress mommy!" When I walk into his room to get him up in the morning. And he SO did not learn this from Hub, I might add. Hub is not that free & easy with the wardrobe compliments. If I don't have any organs hanging out? Hub is happy...assuming that other people are going to see me, that is.

I love that he needs me.

I hate that as he gets older, he'll need me less and less.

I love that as he gets older, he'll need me less and less.

I fear that I can't control how his life will turn out.

I hope that I lay a strong enough foundation that he will make good choices.

I fear that all those alcoholic genes that he has might be too much for him to control.

I hope that our example of moderation and honest attitude will be enough to take some of the mystery and taboo excitement out of alcohol.

I fear that I will not be strong enough to let him go and let him be his own man.

I hope that in the time it takes him to grow into his own man, I will have grown enough myself that I can let him go.

I fear that he may not realize his potential, that he may not grow into the man I see that he could be.

I hope that he does realize his potential and becomes more than I could've ever hoped he would be.

I fear what's out in the world, what could happen to him.

I hope that he grows with experience and comes out on the other side of adversity a stronger, better man.

There is so much that fills my heart and tears at it, all at the same time. It is a very dichotomous feeling, both fulfilling and frightening. There are times? That I'm scared to the point of tears.

With this post? I haven't even addressed my fears for my stepdaughter...that is a whole other animal.

Being a parent? Is some seriously scary and mindbending shit.

And I would never, ever trade it. For anything. Ever.

Soul Bits

I keep a notebook. I used to carry it around every day. Lately it has been relegated to my headboard. This morning, it's back in my purse.

This notebook? Contains little pieces of me as described by someone else. It is full of both vocabulary words (defined) as well as quotations that are meaningful to me. My best friend also kept a notebook. She never let anyone but me read it. It's amazing how much you can tell about a person from what they keep in such a book.

I don't know why I do this. For a long time, I had no idea my friend did the same thing. Sometimes, when I'm a hot mess & I need too cool off & straighten up, I read through them & laugh. Or think "wow" and I feel my brain cells stretch a little. Sometimes, they soothe me.

Today, I'm cheating. I have a lot of work to do, but I need to blog. I'm getting a twitch from not blogging. It has just been one of those weeks. So today? I'm sharing some of those bits.

Enjoy my soul bits. And perhaps? You'll know me a little better.

Percipient - adj - discerning

Acumen - n - mental keenness

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."
~Oscar Wilde

"The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything."
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)

"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
~John Andrew Holmes

"Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"
~Anon

"Twenty years from now, you'll be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did."
~Mark Twain

"Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter."
~W.R. Inge (1860-1954)

"A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms."
~George Wald

catachresis - n - (1) use of the wrong word for the context. (2) use of a forced & especially paradoxical figure of speech

rectitudinous - adj - (1) characterized by straightness or moral integrity. (2) Piously self-righteous

"It's dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
~Voltaire

"in fact, Mozart's preoccupation with the anus and anal products never waned."
~Anon

"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"
~Friedrich Nietzche

"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of."
~Burt Bacharach

"We hang the petty thieves & appoint the great ones to public office."
~Aesop (620BC - 560BC)

"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."
~Saki (1870-1916)

"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you."
~Don Marquis (1878-1937)

"Only 2 things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
~Albert Einstein

"Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high."
~Adrienne E. Gusoff

"The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else."
~Umberto Eco

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
~Wendell Johnson

When Logic & Feelings Collide

So, what do you think about p*rn? I don't really mean in the moral sense (i.e. it is a sin & should never be viewed/participated in/etc.), I mean in the realistic sense of it's everywhere & odds are someone you know is looking at it...or maybe you are. And doesn't everyone have a sex tape?

My feelings on it have vacillated over the years. In some relationships, I didn't care. In others I was just oblivious. The relationships I cared most about? Are the ones in which it bothered me. And in this relationship...I care. A lot.

I'm going to hang it all out here...& I may risk TMI...so if you're sensitive to that kind of thing...Well, thanks for stopping by. I'll try to make my next post funny. Or something.

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And for the rest of you? This isn't going to be an x-rated post. Just honest feelings...and some insecurities.

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Ok. Still here?

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Hello? (crickets chirping)

Oh, well.

So, my general thoughts here are that I don't have a moral issue with p*rn...provided that everyone is a consenting adult....and it doesn't replace a partner when a relationship exists. I do think for some people, it can be a problem. Many people can drink alcohol with no problem...but there are those who just can't drink at all without it turning into a problem. I believe p*rn is much the same way.

It's not really my thing. I'd rather be having than looking.

However, I am a female & my understanding is that we are not as visually driven as men. Apparently? Looking is a big deal to guys.

So here is where my problem comes in. After the 80 pounds of baby weight? I don't feel so sexy. Hub says I'm sexy...but, really, what is he going to say? I realize there are douche bags out there who would say "EW! You're fat. Get away!" But he is not a douche bag. I also know that he likely would not be with me if I repelled him.

But I don't think people would be downloading me from the internet.

Honestly? I'm threatened by those downloadable people. Even though they are "real" people (& not the plasticky pay-for kind) - I'm still threatened by them. I don't want to be compared to people that are 80 pounds thinner than me. I don't want my husband to realize "you know, she is pretty chubby..."

I don't want to be threatened by that. Hotter people do exist, even the real kind that you don't download. They have the nerve to have jobs; frequent retail & food establishments; and even just walk around in public.

And I don't want to be threatened by them. Or feel bad about myself because of them.

I know, on some level, that this starts with me. That it is an insecurity of mine. I miss my thinner body...but even then? I still didn't feel particularly sexy. Even at 120 pounds - which is still 20 pounds too fat for a model, but made me look like I was all bobble-head and collar bones - I was still threatened by other hotness.

But what do I do about that?

I can't expect Hub to be blind to every other woman but me. As long as he isn't a douche bag about noticing and he doesn't touch them, I shouldn't be threatened.

But I am. And I feel bad about that. Because when I feel threatened? He feels like a douche bag. And I don't like that.

It seems like I'm being unfair. Logically, I understand this. He married me. We have an active "intimate" life. Logically, I understand that I have nothing to worry about.

But my feelings? Are another story. My feelings are rooted in deep mistrust of men and personal insecurity.

And I'm still threatened.

My feelings have always been troublemakers. I don't want Hub to feel like a douche bag. But until I can learn to not be threatened by other people's hotness, real or virtual? He will continue to feel that way. And I feel really bad about that.

Is this your ear?

Last night after Boo & Princess were in bed, as is our routine, Hub and I went outside for his after kid cigarette. He likes to have company while he smokes. Or perhaps it's just because I don't let him smoke in the house.

As we are sitting on the porch, enjoying the finally decent weather, our two oversized rats tiny dogs start barking up a storm. No one likes yappy rats dogs so we attempt to Sshhhh! them before they drive us insane disturb anyone. We look over & there is our Friendly Neighbor at our fence. Hub starts to walk over & asks if I'm coming. I've been zombiesque all day & am now nearly comatose, so I request that he say "hi" for me & I then scuttle inside so I can finally, blissfully, sleep....ahhh....

I'm snuggled down, cozy in bed. I hear yapping rats dogs. Shut up, you stupid rats dogs. Yap! Yap yap yap! *sigh* Yappity yap yap yap! Stupid Dogs....drifting...off...to....sleeeeeeep.....ahhhh.....

(door bursts open)

"Oh, my God!" It is Hub. He has a story he must tell me this instant.

Apparently, Friendly Neighbor's elderly dog had run away. He asked Hub if we had seen Elderly Dog. We had not. They chat for a while longer. Friendly Neighbor is having problems with his girlfriend and is drunk off his ass a wee bit tipsy.

As the conversation is winding down, Hub looks toward our house & notices Elderly Dog in our other neighbor's yard. Invisible Neighbors have no fence, so Hub offers to go retrieve Elderly Dog. Friendly Neighbor is irritated at Elderly Dog & tells Hub just to leave him for now. Hub doesn't want Elderly Dog to get run over, so he insists on retrieving Elderly Dog, as it is the right thing to do.

Hub retrieves Elderly Dog & returns to our yard. Friendly Neighbor is also in our yard, waiting for Hub. Hub hands over Elderly Dog & is headed back toward the house when he notices Friendly Neighbor fall over. Hmm. Perhaps he fell over in a drunken stupor tripped. Then Hub notices Friendly Neighbor freaking out showing signs of extreme irritation with Elderly Dog.

He walks over to investigate and discovers that Elderly Dog has bitten Friendly Neighbor. And half his ear is missing. Hub is a little queasy. He asks Friendly Neighbor if he can drive him to the hospital since he is drunk off his ass injured. Friendly Neighbor refuses.

Hub: "No, really, I think you should go to the hospital...."

FN: (laughing) "Nah. I'll be fine. Man, this stings..."

Hub: "That's really going to hurt tomorrow...are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital...?"

FN: (still laughing) "Nah, it's ok. It sure stings tho..."

Hub was distressed by the event.

Apparently Friendly Neighbor survived the night. I saw him leave for work this morning. I think I would've called in sick....& hopefully remembered to hold the phone up to my other ear...

What Business is it of Mine?

I've been thinking about conflict. Working vs SAH moms. Bottle vs Breast debate. Pro life vs Pro choice. Leagalize vs Criminalize. Public school vs Private school vs Homeschool. Religion. Race. Gender. Sexual Orientation.

So many divisive topics - & I have an opinion about each of these.

Our brains are designed to categorize. It is part of how we assimilate information. But at what point does the categorization become judgment?

I like to understand my opinions & why I have them before I go spouting them off in front of others. It sucks when someone questions you on an opinion & your mind is filled with chirping crickets. Embarrassing, really.

Ultimately, I wonder what business is it of anyone's what I choose to do with my life, as long as I'm not hurting anyone else.

Sometimes? Believing in a principle is hard.

For example, I am technically pro-choice, only because I don't believe the government should regulate morality. I believe that morality is beyond the scope (and comprehension) of the government. In my mental imaginings, government would exist as a basic framework so we're not running about all rambunctious and amok.

However, actual abortion? Makes me a little ill. I am anti-abortion.

Really, I'm pro-responsibility. If you don't want to get pregnant? Either protect yourself or don't have sex. If the protection fails? That's the risk you took. Now, suck it up & accept the consequences.

I also understand there are many circumstances that turn this into a shades of gray issue. Rape, incest, certain death of mother or fetus, etc., make the choice far more complicated. I have had friends who have had abortions because they weren't "ready" for children. I disagree with their choices, but those choices were not mine to make.

When it was my turn? I wasn't "ready" either. Not even close. I made my choice. People disagreed with my choice. But it was not their choice to make.

When I got pregnant? It was because I was irresponsible. He was not planned. Nor his father "parent" material. When I got pregnant? I took responsibility for the consequences of my actions. Because the choices I made to get there? Were mine.

Also? I work. Because I have to.

But if it wasn't necessary? I don't know that I would be a SAHM. There are a lot of other factors that influence that decision besides monetary necessity. Am I a bad mother because I work? No. Would I be a better mother if I stayed at home? In some ways, I think yes, & in others, no. Much would depend on the circumstances.

Do I judge other women who work because they work? No. Do I judge SAH mom's because they stay at home? No. If that's what is best for their family, what business is it of mine?

Do I have opinions about choices people make? Yes. Do I think some people continually make stupid choices? Yes. Will I offer my opinion? Yes. Am I sometimes snarky about what people choose to do? Yes. Do I still sometimes judge despite my best efforts not to? Yes.

I do not claim to be perfect. I do not claim to have all the answers. But I also know that no one else has them all, either. My life is my journey. No one else's. I have my own lessons to learn. If you have a different opinion about a choice I've made? Congratulations. Feel free to politely explain your point of view. You might give me some new perspective that I can use to update my own viewpoint.

If you want to tell me what an idiot I am because of my choice? If you want to sanctimoniously condescend to me because you know the choice I clearly should have made? Be prepared to either be ignored, made fun of, or given suggestions as to where you can shove this "knowledge."

Besides, I have found that the people who are most sanctimonious and condescending? More often than not have no idea what they're talking about.

Yep, It's Monday

Woo. It's Monday. It's an early day for me. Up by 5:30 so I can get all the kids appropriately shuffled. I get home by about 6:45 & get my butt in the kitchen & cook dinner for the fam. I'll get to do the same thing tomorrow...which reminds me, I need to take the chicken out of the freezer to thaw for tomorrow's enchiladas...just a sec...

...

Ok, I fixed the seasoning ratio that I'd written down wrong for tonight's dinner.

...Oh, wait...that's not what I got up for. Dammit.

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What did I get up for again...? Oh, chicken. Right.

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Ok. Chicken out of freezer & on the counter for a while to defrost. Hopefully I remember to get it into the crock pot before I go to bed and not just leave it moldering on the counter all night like I did that one time...

This is my life. A bunch of stuff I should be doing. A lot of it that doesn't get done the way I wish it would. And all of it? Happens in a very ADD kind of way. I always think "when I have more time..." or "when I get out of school..." but I don't know if that will really make a difference.

Perhaps I just need to embrace the fact that dutiful organization? Is just not me.

I've had enough now

So, I got pregnant in 2005. I got ditched by his father (best thing he could've done for his son). But, I was unprepared to have a baby. I was broke. So? I did what responsible people do...I got a 2nd job to save up money. Being pregnant & working 2 jobs? Sucked. But, I can honestly say that Starbucks was the least horrible food-related job I've ever had.

Anyway, because of all this, I had zero time to take care of myself. I got home from Starbucks late every night & I had a corporate job to go to in the morning. I didn't sleep enough, I didn't exercise, and I didn't have time to cook. This equals picking up food in the "food court" near the Starbucks. Which in turn equaled too much weight gain.

I started out at 5'8" & 145 lbs (I'm built curvy, so I looked *good* at this weight). When I delivered? Still 5'8", but 220 lbs. I had a naggy OBGYN who continually chastised me for gaining so much weight. Which just made me feel worse.

(ADD moment - why do doctors always do this? Like I don't know I'm overweight? It's like telling smokers that smoking is bad for them. Um, duh. I don't need a mommy/daddy figure nagging me to lose weight. Shut up. Moving on...)

That was the biggest I had ever been. I was not happy about it, but I was distracted with other things...like parenthood. I lost about 30lbs while I was breastfeeding, but when he weaned himself at 9 months and we started the "cross-country move" process, about 10-15 of those pounds came back. I now sit at 200 even. And I am freaking the hell out.

But why? I know women who solidly outweigh me that think, no, they know they are fucking hot. So. I need an attitude adjustment. And some lifestyle change.

I have tried several times to lose more of the baby weight. The last time I tried? I managed about 2 months of solid exercise & eating better. No weight lost. Zero. Then came the morning I woke up & my knee wouldn't straighten. That lasted 2 weeks & required an orthopedist to fix.

(ADD moment #2/PSA moment #1 - when the doctor asks the nurse to come hold your hand while he injects the numbing agent into your joint? This means the experience will be highly unpleasant. Adding fluid to joints feels yucky.)

After that, I was really depressed. Partly because I'd lost my routine (which is critical for me to do anything) but mostly because I'd put SO much effort into losing weight and saw nothing for it. No weight loss. No improved wardrobe fit. Nada. And as an added bonus, I got a rather unpleasant couple of weeks of no walking plus the fear of doing the whole knee experience again.

Now, I miss my knees working without hurting. I miss the weeks or even months between the spasm attacks my back wages on me. I'm tired of seeing flabby thighs and the belly that was never there before and the back fat. God I hate back fat.

I am making some lifestyle changes. I'm starting with an attitude adjustment. No more looking at myself & telling myself I hate me. No more hating my body. Changing my body requires that I take care of it, not hate it.

I'm also going to make some different choices, with eating & with exercise. I would love to join the Running Between Tweets group, but I've never run before & when I tried to start? I woke up with a knee that wouldn't straighten for two weeks.

So, I'm going to start slow. Just going to add a little activity & some more careful food choices.

But? I'm terrified that I'm going to end up where I have so many times before - injured & still 200lbs.