Dichotomous Heart

This evening I got some news I didn't want.

I can't say that I'm surprised. That happens a lot, actually.

It tends to happen when I get my hopes up for something. It seems to happen more often when I tell people about that thing about which I have my hopes up.

I know that is just perception. That I just notice the bad things more. That I make a note of things that reinforce my belief and kinda disregard the rest.

I don't remember if I got that tidbit from my psych education or a book on tape I listened to. Either way, it came with a bunch of references and citations. None of which I ever bothered to verify. Because I'm just not that anal.

Nonetheless, because something was not unexpected? Does not make it any less disappointing. And I often don't handle disappointment well. Especially if others are around to witness my disappointment.

Again, I think it's perception. I really don't handle the disappointment any better by myself, I just don't feel like a boob acting like an ass in front of myself.

Hub told me that I should prepare to have Princess with us for at least another year. That he has not seen her mother (Skankula) prove that she can be at least semi self-sufficient. Which is his requirement for returning custody to her mother.

And he is right. Fuck if he isn't right.

And I so profoundly wish that he was not. So much.

I am not bonding with this child. She epitomizes much of what I have hated in children before I had Boo.

See, Boo surprised me with the knowledge that I could love a child. That I could have that ooey gooey mommy feeling.

One of my greatest fears during pregnancy - aside from being a total and complete failure as a parent - was that I would not bond with my child. I had never liked children. I did not have that squishy "I'm going to be a mom!" glow while I was pregnant.

But as much as I want her out of our house, and as much as I don't miss her when she's not here (hate me if you want...but I'm being honest)? As much as I really feel all of that? I can't in good conscience send her somewhere that I know is actually bad for her.

As I may have mentioned before? I have all these stupid principles. And sometimes? they really get in the way of what I want. What I also believe the other members of this household want. What her mother wants. What she wants.

Despite my frustration with our situation and the problems she brings to our household, I can't send her into an awful situation. Plus? I support my husband. I agree with his logic.

So? I focus on the logic. I try to harness my feelings. I try to make the best of a less than ideal situation.

I just wish I could be happy about it.

I'm won't eat my young...

I won't. I won't. I won't.

I hope.

Lately I've been having mommy issues. I posted recently about my stress from adding my stepdaughter to our household. But it's more than just that. Kinda.

While she is there, for however long that may be, I must find a way to deal with the situation. While I much preferred the full-time family consisting only of Hub, Boo, and me? That is not my reality now. Like it or not.

So, that being said, I'm having some real issues dealing with the situation. I feel like I'm Evil Fire-Spewing Demon Mommy more often than not.

I am fairly old-school in the sense that I have rules (and by I? I mean the royal "I" of Hub and I...) and I expect them to be obeyed.

At least make an effort to obey.

Could you pretend to obey?

Jesus, at least try to make it look like you're obeying.

Dammit.

I try not to sweat the small stuff. I try to be relatively laid-back as long as no one is doing anything illegal, immoral, destructive, or inherently dangerous.

When I explain rules, I try to explain the general principle

(no playing on the stairs!)

and then try to close the loopholes

(that means no jumping on the stairs, no sliding down the stairs, no bouncing down the stairs, no throwing anything down the stairs, no rolling anything, no dropping anything - by "accident" or on purpose, no tossing anything. Do not play on the stairs in any way!)

CYA is important with kids. They're like little lawyers. They will find the loophole and exploit it.

I've learned to be consistent with discipline (about 98% of the time...I'm not God after all) and I have also learned (and am fervently trying to teach Hub) not to threaten things if I can't follow through.

I don't bluff.

Unfortunately? I kinda suck at discipline, in the sense that I'm just not very creative.

I was a very obedient kid. I didn't like disappointing (or angering) my parents. I got spanked a few times as a kid, got grounded a few times when I got older, and eventually (because I am an introvert and had virtually no friends and grounding was therefore kinda pointless) my parents took things away from me. Not a whole lot of creativity in my punishment background. And really? I wasn't punished that often because I didn't do much to deserve it. I saved most of my idiot behavior until I was an adult.

Hub? Was beaten. If he was being disciplined? He got "spanked" with various inanimate objects (switches, belts, etc.). He spent a fair amount of time being beaten by drunk father-figures as well. That didn't work out so well for him over the years. And it didn't keep him (or his brother) out of trouble. At all.

So our backgrounds are not offering a whole lot of useful information from which to draw.

I do make a strong effort to reinforce the positive. I have a psych degree. I know all about behaviorism. Reinforce the positive, punish the negative (well kinda, but I'm not going to argue the various forms of positive and negative reinforcement vs. punishment, how & when each are to be applied, etc. If you want that level of anal specificity? By a book on behaviorism.)

But dammit, they just don't seem to learn. We go thru the same stupid things over & over. Getting punished for it every time. And. They. Still. Keep. Doing. It.

Gaaaaahhhhh!

And my God, do they push my buttons.

I don't want to be the parent with those kids when we go out. I refuse to shop with both of them anymore because it's just too horrendous. Princess has her own special behavioral problems I discussed before. On his own? Boo is very well-behaved. With both of them? Everything goes to hell.

Perhaps it's just because I have 2 kids that are only 10 months apart. Perhaps it's because Princess has some serious behavioral issues as a result of her early childhood. I don't really know why. I can't quantify every variable.

But I do know that it is wearing on me.

I resent having to always be angry and disciplining. I resent that I no longer look forward to seeing them after work because they are so damn frustrating. Consistently.

I want my sweet Boo back. The one that is polite and isn't constantly trying to push buttons (he does this on purpose for his own amusement because Princess always whines to the occasion. Always.) The one that asks me science questions and wants to learn. The one that will talk to his mommy instead of squealing and grunting at her. The Boo that I knew for 4 years and still know every other weekend.

I want to find they joy I used to have in being a parent. I want less frustration when I go home at night. I don't want every night to be a tortuous countdown to bed time.

This situation is kicking my ass. The bad mood resulting from the constant frustration brings guilt. Guilt that I am so angry with the kids. Guilt that I sometimes scream at them when I've already asked a dozen times & they haven't listened. Guilt that Hub bears the brunt of the bad moods & the moods aren't even his fault.

I'm tired of feeling guilty. And I'm tired of being angry. But I can't just let them run wild. They have to learn and understand the whole concept of consequences and accountability. I refuse to raise spoiled, entitled little brats.

Does this require so much constant frustration & guilt?

Anyone...?

Bueller?

Bueller?