Before my son was born, I read a lot about being a parent. I knew I had no clue what to expect, so the book that offered to tell me What to Expect was appealing. I also read a number of baby websites in hopes that I would not be a completely clueless parent. Well, that helped about as much as you might expect.
One of the things that most sources stressed is to be consistent with your children. Consistency helps them learn what to do and what not to do. It is an effective tool in the discipline tool box. I have discovered this to be very true in my brief 4 1/2 year tenure as a parent. Consistency helps breed obedience...at least sort of.
I think I'm starting to understand why. Now for a radical left turn...
I am also completing my degree in psychology (as I have previously mentioned). Part of the requirement for this degree is writing a number of research papers. I'm not a half bad writer, so I'm fine with this (how some of the people made it to this point in college with their piss poor writing ability is beyond me...there are people who cannot even write a clear sentence in my class. WTF.) We are supposed to use a certain format (APA for those who might be curious) when we write our papers; however, it seems that the teachers have not gotten the memo that it is a standardized format...which means that it should be the same format from one class to the next. Consistent, right?
Every teacher I've had for the last 3 or 4 classes in a row (there have been more, but not in a row) has a different idea of what this format should be. The last one contradicted herself from one paper to the next (I think she just didn't like me). Now, how am I supposed to write a "correct" paper if the standard keeps changing? The school provides a template, but the teachers don't seem to follow it. Again, WTF. Please, teachers, don't make a rule for me to follow & then change it or disregard it just to make me wrong. If it's a rule, then it's a rule & you should be following just like I do, dammit.
Nonetheless, this experience has taught me 2 things (related to consistency). 1. I understand why it's needed & why my kids behave better if I use it. And 2. Inconsistency pisses me off.
I'm so sick of being in school.
But, I guess I can't say it hasn't been educational, right?
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
When do I worry?
Does anyone else ever stress about the kind of person your kid(s) will grow into? My kids sometimes do things that worry me, and I wonder if they are doing normal kid stuff or if these traits are something that will eventually be problematic.
My son's father (dirtbag alcoholic who abandoned us pretty much immediately upon learning I was pregnant) has a number of annoying traits about him, a couple of which I see in my son. One is the need to tease, harass, & otherwise make fun of other people well beyond the point that is funny or even nice. Granted, my son is a 4-year-old boy, so I expect some of that is normal. But at what point should I become concerned?
Conveniently (or perhaps inconveniently) enough, I'm a psych major, just about to (finally) graduate (thank GOD). Based on a lot of the research I've been doing over the last couple of years, plus some good ol' observation of my kids, I've come to the conclusion that (in my opinion) nature wins the nature vs. nurture battle (to heck with Watson & his dozen healthy infants...). I firmly believe that there is a lot that is hardwired into the brain, more so than many people realize (not that I'm an expert, I just don't think many non-psych folk ponder it much...).
I think environment plays a big part in how traits manifest themselves, but the traits are already there. My son exhibits mannerisms, gestures, expressions, etc that come from his father. Being that he does not know or spend any time with his father (again, thank GOD), he cannot possibly have learned any of these from his father.
So, that being said, there are traits in there that are just there. Nothing I can do about wiring. Likewise, there's wiring in there from me, my parents, their parents, etc. So who knows how he's actually put together. All I can do is provide what I hope is a positive environment & hope for the best, I suppose. Nonetheless, my hope is to rear a child who grows into a quality man...& not the mean, dirtbag alcoholic* that (1/2) created him.
I'm probably just worried about nothing, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing with this whole parent thing & I get a little freaked out sometimes...
*We'll save the "why on earth were you seeing a mean, dirtbag alcoholic" issue for another time. Suffice it to say, sometimes you realize a lot of things in hindsight...and sometimes you just do dumb shit. Let's leave it at that for now. :)
My son's father (dirtbag alcoholic who abandoned us pretty much immediately upon learning I was pregnant) has a number of annoying traits about him, a couple of which I see in my son. One is the need to tease, harass, & otherwise make fun of other people well beyond the point that is funny or even nice. Granted, my son is a 4-year-old boy, so I expect some of that is normal. But at what point should I become concerned?
Conveniently (or perhaps inconveniently) enough, I'm a psych major, just about to (finally) graduate (thank GOD). Based on a lot of the research I've been doing over the last couple of years, plus some good ol' observation of my kids, I've come to the conclusion that (in my opinion) nature wins the nature vs. nurture battle (to heck with Watson & his dozen healthy infants...). I firmly believe that there is a lot that is hardwired into the brain, more so than many people realize (not that I'm an expert, I just don't think many non-psych folk ponder it much...).
I think environment plays a big part in how traits manifest themselves, but the traits are already there. My son exhibits mannerisms, gestures, expressions, etc that come from his father. Being that he does not know or spend any time with his father (again, thank GOD), he cannot possibly have learned any of these from his father.
So, that being said, there are traits in there that are just there. Nothing I can do about wiring. Likewise, there's wiring in there from me, my parents, their parents, etc. So who knows how he's actually put together. All I can do is provide what I hope is a positive environment & hope for the best, I suppose. Nonetheless, my hope is to rear a child who grows into a quality man...& not the mean, dirtbag alcoholic* that (1/2) created him.
I'm probably just worried about nothing, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing with this whole parent thing & I get a little freaked out sometimes...
*We'll save the "why on earth were you seeing a mean, dirtbag alcoholic" issue for another time. Suffice it to say, sometimes you realize a lot of things in hindsight...and sometimes you just do dumb shit. Let's leave it at that for now. :)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Look Mommy!
So, I took the kids grocery shopping on Monday. This was not one of my better ideas. I only went to procure some of the pork chops & boneless chicken breasts that were allegedly on sale. I say allegedly, because despite arriving at the store less than 24 hours after the ad ran, there was no sign of pork chops or boneless chicken breasts. Well, there was that 1 bloated pack of chicken, but it wasn't the sale kind. That one was full price.
Kids were good for about the first 10 minutes...after that, well, let's just say they didn't get that McDonald's they were trying to pitch me on the way to the store. "I'll think about it" rates up there with "because I said so" in my parenting lingo. Two things I hated hearing as a child....and I am disgusted hearing them come out of my mouth...but, dammit if they aren't helpful with nagging kids that don't accept the unabridged answer the first 3 times you give it to them.
Although the grocery store trip was mostly a bust, I did get one good chuckle out of the debacle. As we are tooling around the grocery store, my son discovers one of his very most favoritest things & feels the need to inform me of his discovery.
"Look mommy! Balls! I like balls! Blue balls are my favorite! I like blue balls!"
>.<
I'm saving this story for later in his life. This one will compliment the Dog Poo Incident nicely....
Kids were good for about the first 10 minutes...after that, well, let's just say they didn't get that McDonald's they were trying to pitch me on the way to the store. "I'll think about it" rates up there with "because I said so" in my parenting lingo. Two things I hated hearing as a child....and I am disgusted hearing them come out of my mouth...but, dammit if they aren't helpful with nagging kids that don't accept the unabridged answer the first 3 times you give it to them.
Although the grocery store trip was mostly a bust, I did get one good chuckle out of the debacle. As we are tooling around the grocery store, my son discovers one of his very most favoritest things & feels the need to inform me of his discovery.
"Look mommy! Balls! I like balls! Blue balls are my favorite! I like blue balls!"
>.<
I'm saving this story for later in his life. This one will compliment the Dog Poo Incident nicely....
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The Look
There are a few things that I remember striking fear into my heart as a child. One of them was "wait until your father gets home..." I use a variation of this, but it doesn't seem to have the same effect on my kids as it did on me. Perhaps this is because when my mother said that it meant "you are so getting your ass spanked when your dad gets home..." We don't spank our kids (for less than running into the road or other such dangerous offenses), so I think that might contribute to the lack of quivering fear observed when I drop the "daddy" bomb.
Another was the full name. If I heard my first and middle name, I knew there was trouble. The full legal name? I.am.so.screwed. The full legal name often lead into "wait until your father gets home..." which never ended well. This is one that we have not yet cultivated with our kids. Perhaps we should whip it out & see what happens. Always good to have an extra deterrent in the arsenal.
Then there was The Look. The Look is a wordless, soundless force to be reckoned with. The Look is developed over years of child rearing, being continually refined with every ridiculous transgression the children commit. The Look is the mute warning that legal names are coming soon, then we will be waiting for father to arrive. I'm pleased to say that I'm cultivating my Look well. It's not quite striking fear into the hearts of my children just yet, but it at least slows them down. My husband is even developing his own Look now that he is forced to work from home & do daddy day care. Of course, it's not as good as mine (at least that is what I tell myself. I'm the mommy, it's my job to wield The Look).
Hopefully I can refine the effectiveness of these skills. The electric cattle prod is frowned upon in most states, after all...
Another was the full name. If I heard my first and middle name, I knew there was trouble. The full legal name? I.am.so.screwed. The full legal name often lead into "wait until your father gets home..." which never ended well. This is one that we have not yet cultivated with our kids. Perhaps we should whip it out & see what happens. Always good to have an extra deterrent in the arsenal.
Then there was The Look. The Look is a wordless, soundless force to be reckoned with. The Look is developed over years of child rearing, being continually refined with every ridiculous transgression the children commit. The Look is the mute warning that legal names are coming soon, then we will be waiting for father to arrive. I'm pleased to say that I'm cultivating my Look well. It's not quite striking fear into the hearts of my children just yet, but it at least slows them down. My husband is even developing his own Look now that he is forced to work from home & do daddy day care. Of course, it's not as good as mine (at least that is what I tell myself. I'm the mommy, it's my job to wield The Look).
Hopefully I can refine the effectiveness of these skills. The electric cattle prod is frowned upon in most states, after all...
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Joy of a Working Mommy
So, I'm totally supposed to be doing homework right now, but discipline be damned...
I'm mother to two kids - my 4-year-old son & my 5-year-old stepdaughter. We just got custody of my stepdaughter & it has been an adjustment. It's expensive to suddenly have a kid. At least when you get pregnant, there's a little prep-time (not that one can ever be adequately prepped for such a thing, but let's pretend).
Have I mentioned my babysitter? She is "family" so there are some serious pros & cons with that. There's a cost savings & a little higher level of accountability, but let's just say that there are strings attached. There is no dropping off children & going to work. There is the 20 minute diatribe on the transgressions of her mother, sister, father, husband, etc. that I seem to be unable to escape. I don't want to be a total bitch about it, she does have my kids, after all. But it seems anything short of just walking out the door mid-sentence will be completely ineffective.
She refuses to watch both children more than 1 day a week. It's just too much for her (yet my husband can work & watch both of them...granted, he's a little crabby, but it can be done). We otherwise have to alternate 1 kid with her & 1 with my husband & then both with my husband on Friday. We had to give her an extra day off to buy the 1 day of both kids so my husband can actually make a weekly appearance in the office (I can't work from home).
There is also a disparity in how she treats the kids. One can do no wrong (how did I never notice the rose-scented poo??) & the other is an unmanageable jerk who refuses to listen. Ever. This is according to her 20 minute after work diatribe detailing how put-upon she has been dealing with the terrible behavior.
Now, I have never experienced the unmanageable jerk-ness she describes. My husband has not experienced this either. Frankly, this behavior is an anomaly anywhere but with the babysitter. Perhaps it is not the child. No one likes to be talked to like they are a stupid piece of crap, have orders barked at them, and screamed at for every (normal, age-appropriate) transgression. Well maybe her husband does...the sex can't be that good...but I digress.
So, yeah, we're putting the "problem" child into preschool. To hell with that pesky savings plan. Really tho, I can't subject a child to that. No amount of saving money is worth that. What kind of parent would I be for letting that continue?
And for the record, I don't care that she hates her mother. She's just like her mother. And I'm about to choke the crap out of her for treating one of my kids the way she does.
There. I feel better now.
I really hope the kids do something funny and/or adorable soon. I've got too much stressy stuff to blog about. Perhaps I should have a conversation with them about that...
I'm mother to two kids - my 4-year-old son & my 5-year-old stepdaughter. We just got custody of my stepdaughter & it has been an adjustment. It's expensive to suddenly have a kid. At least when you get pregnant, there's a little prep-time (not that one can ever be adequately prepped for such a thing, but let's pretend).
Have I mentioned my babysitter? She is "family" so there are some serious pros & cons with that. There's a cost savings & a little higher level of accountability, but let's just say that there are strings attached. There is no dropping off children & going to work. There is the 20 minute diatribe on the transgressions of her mother, sister, father, husband, etc. that I seem to be unable to escape. I don't want to be a total bitch about it, she does have my kids, after all. But it seems anything short of just walking out the door mid-sentence will be completely ineffective.
She refuses to watch both children more than 1 day a week. It's just too much for her (yet my husband can work & watch both of them...granted, he's a little crabby, but it can be done). We otherwise have to alternate 1 kid with her & 1 with my husband & then both with my husband on Friday. We had to give her an extra day off to buy the 1 day of both kids so my husband can actually make a weekly appearance in the office (I can't work from home).
There is also a disparity in how she treats the kids. One can do no wrong (how did I never notice the rose-scented poo??) & the other is an unmanageable jerk who refuses to listen. Ever. This is according to her 20 minute after work diatribe detailing how put-upon she has been dealing with the terrible behavior.
Now, I have never experienced the unmanageable jerk-ness she describes. My husband has not experienced this either. Frankly, this behavior is an anomaly anywhere but with the babysitter. Perhaps it is not the child. No one likes to be talked to like they are a stupid piece of crap, have orders barked at them, and screamed at for every (normal, age-appropriate) transgression. Well maybe her husband does...the sex can't be that good...but I digress.
So, yeah, we're putting the "problem" child into preschool. To hell with that pesky savings plan. Really tho, I can't subject a child to that. No amount of saving money is worth that. What kind of parent would I be for letting that continue?
And for the record, I don't care that she hates her mother. She's just like her mother. And I'm about to choke the crap out of her for treating one of my kids the way she does.
There. I feel better now.
I really hope the kids do something funny and/or adorable soon. I've got too much stressy stuff to blog about. Perhaps I should have a conversation with them about that...
Thursday, May 20, 2010
edumacashun
After we moved to Maryland nearly 3 years ago, I got talked into returning to college by a very convincing enrollment counselor. After finishing my AA, I got talked into going for my bachelors by a less convincing continuing education advisor (he just freaked me out about my student loans & I rushed to keep going).
Now, I'm less than 5 months away from being done with my bachelors, up to my eyeballs in student loans, & somehow, I still don't know WTH to do with myself. Most of what I want to do takes a masters...but the kind of masters that requires internships & residencies. The ideal masters program strongly recommends that students not work more than 10 hours per week in addition to their coursework. If I could afford to only work 10 hours a week, I wouldn't be going for my masters, would I? I'd say that would be a pretty sweet deal. 10 hours a week. Pffft.
Am I the only one that finds this stupid? Perhaps.
At first, the research into a masters program was exhilarating. Now I'm just tired & my brain hurts. I haven't answered any questions, but have seriously freaked myself out about the feasibility of going for my masters. I made a choice to pursue more education to create more opportunities for myself...but just not quite enough education, apparently. Now I'm scared that I'm little better off than I was before, but much further in debt.
Ok, so a degree helps to get a job, but if it's not a fulfilling job, what's the point? I can get an unfulfilling job without the $35k in debt. I need more than just a paycheck, I need to feel as if I'm fulfilling my purpose in life. I'm not helping anyone with what I'm doing. It bores me to tears. But now I feel stuck. I can't get the education I need to do what I really want. I can't afford to pay back the loans on the education I just got. I've spent nearly 3 years getting here & feel like I'm no better off than I was to start with. I've missed out on time with my family, sleep, keeping my house in some semblance of order, & so many things I can't even list...& for what? To get a degree that's not enough to get me a job that will afford me the income to pay off the loans I racked up getting the damn degree in the first place.
Who is stupid here? >.<
I'm frustrated, angry, and want to cry. I'm trying futilely to hang on to my pride that I'm already a college graduate. That I'll have an undergraduate degree in a few months. I have more education than I ever thought I would. I thought at some point in this educational process I'd get some idea of what to do with it afterward...how to fulfill my purpose...& I'm still in the same place I was when I started. Hell, I'm in the same place I was when I was 18 & starting community college wondering what the hell I'm going to do with myself. I've been searching for 14 years for the answer & it's just not coming to me. I've read, I've researched, I've conversed, I've learned...still nothing. I suppose one could argue I have 14 years of experience in knowing what I don't want to do.
Dammit.
Now what? I need to pay bills & I don't want to miss any more of the formative years of my children. Read: the years they still like me & want to be seen with me. Perhaps I should wait to "find my purpose" until they're attitudey teenagers that would rather streak through school than be seen with me. After all, by then, they will know everything & will no longer be in need of my archaic guidance. Perhaps that would be an appropriate time for boring old mom to dust off the walker, put the knitting down, & get her learn on.
My brain hurts.
Now, I'm less than 5 months away from being done with my bachelors, up to my eyeballs in student loans, & somehow, I still don't know WTH to do with myself. Most of what I want to do takes a masters...but the kind of masters that requires internships & residencies. The ideal masters program strongly recommends that students not work more than 10 hours per week in addition to their coursework. If I could afford to only work 10 hours a week, I wouldn't be going for my masters, would I? I'd say that would be a pretty sweet deal. 10 hours a week. Pffft.
Am I the only one that finds this stupid? Perhaps.
At first, the research into a masters program was exhilarating. Now I'm just tired & my brain hurts. I haven't answered any questions, but have seriously freaked myself out about the feasibility of going for my masters. I made a choice to pursue more education to create more opportunities for myself...but just not quite enough education, apparently. Now I'm scared that I'm little better off than I was before, but much further in debt.
Ok, so a degree helps to get a job, but if it's not a fulfilling job, what's the point? I can get an unfulfilling job without the $35k in debt. I need more than just a paycheck, I need to feel as if I'm fulfilling my purpose in life. I'm not helping anyone with what I'm doing. It bores me to tears. But now I feel stuck. I can't get the education I need to do what I really want. I can't afford to pay back the loans on the education I just got. I've spent nearly 3 years getting here & feel like I'm no better off than I was to start with. I've missed out on time with my family, sleep, keeping my house in some semblance of order, & so many things I can't even list...& for what? To get a degree that's not enough to get me a job that will afford me the income to pay off the loans I racked up getting the damn degree in the first place.
Who is stupid here? >.<
I'm frustrated, angry, and want to cry. I'm trying futilely to hang on to my pride that I'm already a college graduate. That I'll have an undergraduate degree in a few months. I have more education than I ever thought I would. I thought at some point in this educational process I'd get some idea of what to do with it afterward...how to fulfill my purpose...& I'm still in the same place I was when I started. Hell, I'm in the same place I was when I was 18 & starting community college wondering what the hell I'm going to do with myself. I've been searching for 14 years for the answer & it's just not coming to me. I've read, I've researched, I've conversed, I've learned...still nothing. I suppose one could argue I have 14 years of experience in knowing what I don't want to do.
Dammit.
Now what? I need to pay bills & I don't want to miss any more of the formative years of my children. Read: the years they still like me & want to be seen with me. Perhaps I should wait to "find my purpose" until they're attitudey teenagers that would rather streak through school than be seen with me. After all, by then, they will know everything & will no longer be in need of my archaic guidance. Perhaps that would be an appropriate time for boring old mom to dust off the walker, put the knitting down, & get her learn on.
My brain hurts.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I think I'll move to Australia
Ever have one of those days where you just wake up pissed off. No good reason, just pissed off. That was my morning. I wasn't even mad when tiny dog #2 woke me up at 5 am nosing me for affection (ok, I actually woke up after she landed on my head as a result of my husband tossing her gently to the side after she first tried nosing him...). But, for some reason, when it was actually time to get up, I was just mad...moreso than the usual "dammit it's already morning" kind of mad.
Then I was irritated by something my husband did yesterday. Wasn't irritated by it yesterday, but today it became irritating. Then the dog begins yap yap yapping in her funny yet annoying smoker's bark. No one else is up yet, you loveable overgrown rat. Shut it. Upon letting the dog in, the cat went out & immediately took up residence under the porch. Fabulous. 20 minutes later, cat emerges having snacked on some mystery weeds & is now covered in cobwebs. Awesome.
This much silly little irritation should not be allowed before 7:30 in the morning. I think I'll move to Australia....
Then I was irritated by something my husband did yesterday. Wasn't irritated by it yesterday, but today it became irritating. Then the dog begins yap yap yapping in her funny yet annoying smoker's bark. No one else is up yet, you loveable overgrown rat. Shut it. Upon letting the dog in, the cat went out & immediately took up residence under the porch. Fabulous. 20 minutes later, cat emerges having snacked on some mystery weeds & is now covered in cobwebs. Awesome.
This much silly little irritation should not be allowed before 7:30 in the morning. I think I'll move to Australia....
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